Hello my lovelies and welcome to blogust day fourteen. As the image suggests, I do hope you've all had a happy Monday. I sadly have not had a happy Monday, but we'll get into that in a bit.
The first thing I want to talk about in today's Mindful Monday is Connor Franta's book 'note to self.' I mentioned in our last "session", if that's the right phrasing, that I was reading this book and I still am reading it. I'm currently on 207 out of 304 pages. So just under 100 pages left to go. I've loved reading it and I'm going to be disappointed when I finish it as it's a really nice read and because it's not a story it's easy to follow along as every section is glimpses of Connor's life at different points through words, poetry, and imagery. I really love that about this book. I think one of the reasons it's easy to connect with is because we've all felt similar feelings to one another at some stage in our life due to the outcomes of different events. In a section, can't remember for the life of me which one, he talks about how one of the reasons human beings are so connected even when it feels like were not is because some where along the lines we've all experienced that similar feeling of sadness or heartbreak from either something or someone. So the empathy we have in relation to one another is what keeps us so connected in a world that feels so unconnected these days.
That's really stuck with me since I've read that section because it's true. In the past when family and friends, especially friends, have been sad or heartbroken we're always there for one another because we care. We may not be able to fully understand how it actual feels because obviously we're not in one another's heads but we've all felt those core emotions like happiness and sadness. So we can understand a persons feelings to be there and care for them - empathy.
*DISCLAIMER*
(Some of these things I'm going to talk about are quite deep and might be hard hitting for some of you. So just bare that in mind when reading a head. But please read to the end as it would mean the world)
Which leads onto the reason why I'm not having a happy Monday. Now learning how to be mindful is a fantastic way to live a more positive life as it opens your eyes to the world and invites you to embrace everything in life. Which I'm all about. But you can't be positive all the time. It's a fact. We're human beings and we go through the motions of happiness, sadness, anger, disgust, fear, and surprise - these are our core emotions and no I'm not going to make reference to Inside Out even though it is one of my favourite movies but not the point. And all of those emotions have to be in our life in order to stay balanced. If you guys have been here for a long time you will know that I talk about being balanced a lot because I am a very balanced person in all areas of my life and I need that balance to stay happy. But that balance has taken shape today in the form of sadness and anger but it's more disappointment than it is anger.
I'm not going to go into every single detail of why this has happened. I'm just mainly going to talk about how it's made me feel. So you know when you're on an immense high and everything seems to be going really well and the positive vibes are just flying through the roof? And there's just something that happens which causes it to fly back down again? Well that's me today. I got offered something that might've potentially opened a lot of doors and I hadn't told many people what it was, only a few, and some were really happy for me and thought it was going to be a great opportunity and it was right up my street. Which I agree, it was. But you know when the main people you expect to support you and be there for you in your life and push you forward and then if something does go wrong to pick you back up when you fall? Well I thought I had that but right now it really feels like I don't. I just want to mention I'm not here to prove anything to anyone, the only person you should be making proud is yourself regardless what any else says. I always say you don't have to agree with someone but you should always be there to love and support them in whatever decision they want to do because it's their life not yours. But I'm finding it really hard right now to do both of those things because, one those people aren't supporting me and two it feels like whatever I want to do or to take the opportunity to do is irrelevant. Which is completely wrong and unfair because it's my life. I absolutely hate it when people try and put me in a box of what "I should be" instead of "what I am". I'm actually sick to death of being treated like a child all the time. To me personally, it feels like certain individuals forget that I am 20 and not 2.
Some of you guys might be wondering why I've been feeling these things but honestly they've been bubbling inside for a long time and today because of an element I snapped and I cried for a good portion of the afternoon. I feel personally in order to feel balanced and have mindfulness in your life you have to look at things from both sides of being positive and negative. And I'm not only talking about the positive and negative sides of the world and things happening in all our lives. I'm talking about us as people. Looking into ourselves and realising and accepting how we really are as people. So that's the good side of us as well as our bad side. So I'm gonna do that with you guys today.
I know in my heart that I am a good person with good intentions with goals and hopes and dreams. I have a very positive outlook on life and I believe that we can all achieve whatever we want to if we set our minds to it and believe in ourselves enough. In my heart I know I am capable of great things and I know I deserve the best and my happiness is worth every penny. But sometimes it's hard to feel that way when you feel like no one is really by your side. I always say that the only person you always have is yourself because it's true. Only you are gonna be there all the time to pick yourself up when you fall or encourage yourself to do something etc. But we need other people by our sides to give us encouragement and advice because its easy to get lost in a lot of our own thoughts and opinions on ourselves. Everyone, we're all so hard on ourselves all the time, we all forget that we're only human and we're not perfect.
I'm a very open person but at the same time I'm a very private person. I talk a lot and I talk to friends a lot about a range of different topics and I am more than happy to talk about our lives and be open to hearing other peoples feelings if they choose to tell me. But when it comes to myself telling other people how I feel, it's a different story. I'm always there for anyone who needs me because I've known how its felt to go through things "alone" and I'm using that term loosely because the majority of the time that we feel alone we aren't really alone. But anyway, I've never been someone to tell everyone how I feel about certain feelings I have and it goes back to when I was younger. That phase of "no one cares how I feel" was a key thought and feeling I had in my early teens. Which I obviously know now is so unhealthy for anyone's mental health. And I don't think that anymore, I know there's always at least one person who I can talk to about something that's upsetting me or bothering me. Which I really appreciate when I'm not at my best because I go from the extreme of being really happy and positive to really sad and upset. I wouldn't say I'm negative on myself like I used to be when I was younger. But I kind of just end up crying about whatever situation it is that got me feeling so down as I have no other way to express what I feel than to cry. Crying is a great release when things have been building up for so long and you can't take it anymore. I still struggle with telling people how I feel even though the struggle isn't as great as it used to be. But I have certain people I share parts of my life with like we all do. Like really personal and deep parts of my life with and the people that have had those kind of conversations with me are the people I fully love, trust, and value in my life. And they will probably never know how much I truly do need them.
Something I do a lot when I'm feeling insecure in myself that has stemmed off from something else that has happened. I compare myself to others and I absolutely hate it when I do that. I hate it when I get in that mind set that "everyone is better than me" when I know that isn't true because we're all unique. I do it a lot in relation to being a blogger and also being a performer. I always think I can do better, which isn't a problem as bettering yourself is always good. But it becomes a problem when I feel like everyone else is better than I'll ever be and I don't have those feelings very often. I only get those feelings when I'm at a point of feeling so insecure in myself and it comes from the simple fact that some people make me feel so low and so incapable of doing anything even though I know in my heart that the belief I have in myself will always be bigger than anyone else's opinion. I really try not to let it get at me but sometimes it does and it makes me feel like shit. When people make me feel like I can't do something and they put me in a box I loose the motivation to try and do anything. I hate that I do that but sometimes all I really need to do is to feel those emotions and let them in because I know eventually they'll go out again. It's okay because I know I'm strong and I'll get passed it and I'll keep on doing me for me.
We all have parts of ourselves we don't like. None of us are made to be perfect. The only way we all grow is when we realise who we really are. I'm never going to be perfect. But I know in my heart I am who I'm supposed to be and I am where I am meant to be. And the good will always outweigh the bad even on days, like today, it feels like it wont. One of the main things that has always helped me on my good days and my bad days is singing and listening to music. For me singing for hours and hours is one of my favourite past times and I find it some how fixes everything for me. Whether I'm feeling sad and need to cry or whether I'm feeling happy and just want to feel in a good mood. It is actually crazy what music can really do to a persons mood. Depending on the mood I'm in it will reflect the music I listen to. So if you guys are ever feeling down try listening to music and singing as it's one of the things that helps me the most to block everyone else out if I only want me to be in my own head.
At this moment now I am constantly stuck between being this and not being this. Honestly when I'm at uni and I'm away from home I honestly feel like I can be truly me and express who I am which is probably one of the reasons I love living in Chester so much. But then when I come home I get treated like a child the majority of the time when I'm not. I'm a 20 year old woman for crying out loud and it infuriates me that some people honestly think they can try and tell me who I am. But this word, unfuckwithable, I think is honestly something we can all try and work on.
I know this post has been quite heavy and honest and emotional. But I don't want to end this on a sad note. You guys know by now that I always look for the positive in every situation and trying to find something positive in this situation is hard for me. But what I do want you all to know is that if you ever feel like you can't do something, know that you can. If you ever feel like you're not as good as everyone else, know that you are. And if you ever feel like no one is there for you, know that someone always is. Especially me. All of you lovelies reading this, you've experienced my true and real feelings and I want you all to know that if you need someone to be there for you, I'll always be here because I cherish and I love every single one of you.
If I could give you guys any words of advice for right now as well as the future it would honestly be to never give up on your passion. Always keep going because we are all capable of great things in whatever we aspire to do and whoever we aspire to be. Never ever let anyone dull your sparkle and make you feel like you can't do this.
Because you can.
Well my lovelies, I think I'm going to end it there. I know this has been hard hitting but I hope some where along the lines you related to some of the things I was mentioning and still enjoyed it to some extent. Just because I was feeling low I didn't not want to put up a post for you guys. You know that I'm always open, honest, and real with you guys and I hope this post reflected that.
In relation to the last Mindful Mondays post, I asked you guys to write your own happiness list. I hope you discovered more things that you're happy about than you thought and it brought you joy to write those things down.
This week as I've poured out my emotions and feelings with you guys. If you're okay emotionally to do this as I know everything above for some of you might've been hard to digest. I want you guys to write a positive and negative list about yourself by the 21st of August, which is when another Mindful Mondays is coming your way. You don't have to if you don't want to but to talk about the things that make us, us, the good as well as the bad, is a good way to really appreciate who you are at every angle. And now as we're at the end of this post my mood is much more neutral and I'm not sad anymore because I've shared all of these feelings with you guys.
Thank you guys for reading if you got this far, I really appreciate that I can be open and honest with you and you guys don't judge me for that. I promise tomorrow's post will be more upbeat than this one.
Don't forget to follow me on all my social medias via the links in my header. If you want to see more from me and stay updated with what I am doing.
Thank you for the love and support as I really cherish it as it encourages me to keep going and keep blogging and keep creating new content for you guys.
I love you all so much.
Love,
Katie
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