Hello my lovelies, I hope you're all well and are having a nice summer! So today I have got a Maxwell House iced cappuccino with milk in this cute glass with pineapples on which can only mean it is time for a well overdue Coffee Chats!
So today's Coffee Chats is going to be a little bit different than usual. Normally I just update you guys on my life and what's been going on recently, but not a lot has really been going in my life. But this subject area I'm going to talk to you about today has been something I've been discussing frequently with one of my girls from university and that is
Love and Singleness.
*DISCLAIMER*
Before I begin, I just want to make it clear that I am not saying that all people who are single feel these certain feelings that I am going to discuss in this post. Nor, am I saying that being single is a negative thing. Being single is apart of life especially during your teenage years to your early twenties as during this specific time you begin to become who you really are, discover who you really want to be, and begin to figure out where you want to go in life. So figuring out your life first is important before you invite someone else along for the ride.
This post is just my personal opinion as well as my friend's along with the way we both feel in regards to this subject.
Also, as a side note. I can tell you this post is going to be long. So grab yourself a drink, preferably a coffee as this is coffee chats after all and of course a snack.
So firstly, we're going to start with the fact that I have been single for my whole nineteen years of existing on this earth. I have never had a boyfriend as it seems to be all the guys I am interested in either aren't interested in me, are in a relationship already, or turn out to be gay (you'd be surprised how often it is usually the third option). Which in a nutshell it really sucks. When I was in the early stage of my teens I always questioned myself with things like:
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why do all the guys I like not like me back?"
"Why am I not good enough for anyone?"
and then the one that every single person asks at some point in their life...
"Am I going to be single forever?"
It might seem a bit dramatic but if you're like me and have never had a boyfriend it always feels like you are stuck in the same cycle of getting no where with guys and a relationship begins to seem like a conspiracy theory.
This is how it felt for me. During school if any guy ever did "claim" to feel the same way towards me, I got royally screwed over. One of the best examples was when a guy I liked in my last year at school, he said he liked me and we talked a lot about it. But we never actually got to the stage of being in a relationship, why? Because the day after he started dating one of my best friends. WOW. I could share more examples but I'd say that one is the biggest fuck over I've got. So myself in relation to guys and relationships so far in my life haven't worked in perfect harmony.
What didn't help me back then and what still doesn't help me now is my lack in self confidence around guys. Now, we need to back track a little...
After I was bullied pretty badly during year nine and ten lets just say my confidence and happiness rocketed to an all time low. It wasn't until I left school and went to college that my happiness eventually fully came back and along with that came the confidence I'd been lacking.
So what does that mean for today? So if we want to talk about in certain terms it took me three years to "recover" as it were from the bullying and actually start loving who I was again. Now, I love who I am. I love what I'm doing with my life, I love the person I am and are becoming, I love everyone who is apart of my life, and I know that I am the happiest I have ever been. It's taken a long time to get to this point which is why I'm so grateful that my head is in the right place, I know I'm beautiful and that I deserve to be happy.
Now people usually say, "You have to love yourself first" which I believe to be true. You are the only person who is going to be there for yourself your whole life, so why spend time not loving who you really are? I am no where near saying I am perfect, as I know I'm not but I'm happy and that is what matters. Instead of being bitter I say to just be better and keep improving yourself if you are unhappy which is what I'm still doing.
Right, we've established that I'm in a good place and the happiness and confidence is back in my life. However, that confidence around guys is not there for me. Personally, and I know my friend, who is also called Katie feels the same way. You get used to being the "single one" in your friendship group and due to that it kind of becomes an alien concept for a guy to be interested in you or for you to be in a relationship. Which is a feeling you just kind of get used to in daily life. As for me it would feel weird to know that I had a boyfriend or was seeing someone after so long of it just being myself. And this makes dating and relationships very scary because it's not something you are used to. I actually have an example of this, so about a month or so ago I met this guy on my tinder (don't judge me) and we seemed to get on really well, I found him attractive, and he was one of the nicest guys I had met on tinder, so this was a rare moment. He asked me to go on a date and I said yes, and after that moment it just didn't feel real. What didn't help is I had none of my closest friends around me at this point to help me out as uni was over and some of them had already gone home. So as you can imagine, I was a panicking mess as I had never been on a date before, I didn't know what to expect at all. But unfortunately, this date didn't actually happen in the end because he messaged me a couple days before saying that his ex girlfriend had come to town and they were going to give it another go. Obviously I wasn't too upset because we hadn't even been on one date so there was no possible way I could've had any real feelings for this guy. So the best thing was he'd got it out the way early instead of stringing me along when I potentially could've caught some feelings. So I respect him in that aspect. But when it did first happen my first thought was, "great, I've been screwed over, again" even though he hadn't actually done anything wrong. This was more of a personal feeling due to previous life events like we've already discussed. I was a weird mix of emotions after I learned it wasn't happening. I was kind of relieved as I really didn't feel ready and I really over thought the whole concept of going on this date. But also I was a little bit like "oh" to think about what might've happened later down the line if this date actually had taken place. This was the closest I had ever come to any kind of thing with a guy that wasn't just friends, so I felt like it was natural for me to freak out a little bit. And that was the last almost date I've ever had. Since him I haven't met anyone else in terms of dating.
One of my biggest insecurities from growing up without experiencing having boyfriends through my teens is actually being inexperienced. Once you get passed the stage of "I'm not good enough for anyone" and you realise you are a beautiful and a wonderful person who one day will get exactly what they deserve. There come's the point of not knowing what to do, which is where I am at right now. Don't get me wrong, I have kissed guys but that's normally on a round of truth or dare, so to me it doesn't count as there's no meaning or feelings involved with it. So in terms of guys in a dating, relationship, and sexual respect I have virtually experienced nothing. Now, I know I am only nineteen so it isn't like a massive problem if I haven't experienced every single aspect of life. I have a mix of friends who are in relationships and who are single so it's not like I am fully alone on this matter. I know that myself and roughly four to five others of my friends are very much in the same boat when it comes to this subject. But even though these friends don't necessarily have boyfriends they have experienced moments with guys on say like nights out or have had guys interested in them when the feelings have been mutual. But when it comes to myself, I've never had that feeling. So I do get to the point where I wonder, is there ever going to be someone and the answer to that is I don't know.
Another big insecurity I have is if I ever like someone, and I'm talking really like someone. I never actually tell them because I'm scared of rejection as that's all I'm used to. So even if I could be on the verge of falling in love with them, I'll never tell them and I just shove it in the back of my mind until I get over that thought. Which is not the best or healthiest thing to do for your confidence, I am aware of that. This is an insecurity that I hope to one day get over as I grow up. But I'll tell you another story of how this actually started, so back in secondary school, I am talking year eight, it was a long time ago now. I really liked this guy and I told one of my friends and she said I'll ask him out for you and she did this on Facebook. And back then this was a thing that your friends would get a boyfriend for you as back in the younger years, you sort of tread on egg shells around guys, but for me what's changed? So she asked him for me and he said no because he prefers the actual girl to do it and I thought, okay, so I'll just do it instead. So the next day I messaged him and asked him out and guess what, he still said no. He said he prefers girls to do it face to face. So I plucked up my courage and after our geography lesson I asked him out face to face. I felt like I'd achieved something as I actually asked him to his face to go out with me. But can you guess what he said?...
he still said no.
Like what the damn hell?! I would've rather you'd have just said to me you were not interested in me than making me virtually ask you out three times in a row. So after that third time I realised maybe it is just easier to be single. So for the rest of secondary school and college I never asked anyone out again and just sort of gave up on liking guys as I knew they wouldn't like me back. As a teenage girl this is quite a common thought when you never have any guys who are interested in you. This issue still affects me now because a lot of the time nowadays I never really know if I actually like someone or if I just like the idea of being in a relationship with someone. Due to the lack of experience I don't actually know how I am supposed to feel these days if I like someone. So I never really know if I actually do like them. Which means I am again stuck in a bubble I cannot pop.
Right, I think it's time we address the matter of sexual attraction. Personally I don't really class myself as sexy, more like awkwardly comedic. I don't feel as if I look sexy which means I don't feel as if I give of a sexy/sexual vibe to any man out there. The worst part is society chose to portray only women and men who are size 10 and under as attractive. I have nothing against people who are size 10 and under but if society really say that everyone is beautiful they should show off every body shape and size in all its glory in the fashion and the beauty industry. No matter what size you are, shape you are, no matter how slim or curvaceous you may be every body is beautiful. I am no where near a size 10, I am not slim in any shape or form. I'm a size 18 and it is ridiculous when I don't feel like I can wear a certain clothing item because society only shows fashion to be allowed at a certain size range. If you want to wear something, you should go out and fucking wear it and forget what society deems to be "okay". Don't get me wrong, anything I don't feel confident in, I wont wear. But anything I absolutely love and feel confident and stunning in, I will go out and wear it with pride and knowing that I look bloody fantastic. And that is what will radiate your good and happy vibes. To feel and be confident you don't have to do something overly massive or dramatic. You just have to do things that make you happy and confident already.
Here's some examples of when I feel most confident:
- One of the biggest example is actually right now. I am sat in super comfy shorts, and a super snuggly oversized jumper. I'm feeling damn confident because I'm in clothes I like to wear and clothes that I find comfy. Why shouldn't I feel confident, even in my pyjamas!
- When I have my makeup done. It doesn't matter if it's a full face with a dramatic eyeshadow look and a bold lip or a simple every day look. When I've got my makeup on, I feel stunning and I feel like me. I wear it because I love the way I look with it on. That should make any woman or man confident.
- When I am performing. Whether that be in a musical or an improvisation. I feel incredibly confident when I am up on stage because it is what I am good at. It's what a live and love to do. And if doing what you love doesn't make you confident how can anything else!?
- And just the small things like, when I've freshly shaved my legs, or after I've used my daily facial scrub in the morning and at night, and when I've freshly painted my nails, when I find a pair of jeans that fit which are actually comfy and look good at the same time. Even small things like this can boost your mood a lot more than you expect.
I can imagine some of you sitting here whilst reading this and you're thinking, no I could never do that or no I can't bring myself to be able to do that. I get it because I'm exactly the same. People say I'm really good at giving advise and then most of the time I can't even take my own advice because I'm scared. Sometimes I'm scared of the judgement from others and sometimes I'm scared of what people will think. But at the end of the day, you have to remember, everything you're doing and not doing is for your own benefit. Only you can change the way you feel or the way you are if you want to. It's okay to forget that because sometimes we need more than just us to pick ourselves back up when things get hard. Trust me, I know and I understand. It's hard to let down your defence wall when you are always used to having your guard up. It's hard to let people in and I'm still figuring out how to do that.
Now, going back to the sexual aspect of this point. A lot of people I know these days whether they are in a relationship or not have lost their V card. Which is absolutely fine, it's everyone's choice on how to lose their virginity whether that be with a partner, a close friend, or even a one night stand. Personally I can't bring myself to lose my virginity to anything other than someone I'm in a relationship with as I've seen the other two options happen to some of my closest friends and both have not ended well for either of the people involved. When I do eventually lose my virginity, I need it to be with someone who I 100% trust and who I know will love me for me. I can't stress enough how important it is to not be pressured into things you don't want to do. Especially when it comes to sex. I know how it feels, sometimes I get desperate as well to just lose it to anyone, but I know in the long run that will not play out well for me. It's good to have standards and stay loyal to you, as one day, someone will respect your values.
One of the hardest parts about being a virgin is the fact that some people say because you've not experienced anything sexual how on earth can you know what you like and what you don't. Even though experience is the best way to find out if something is or isn't for you. You know your own body and you know what it does and doesn't like before you even have a connection with someone as a sexual partner. I'm not going to list everything I like and dislike in regards to sexual interaction. But the main thing all of my fellow virgins out there need to know and anyone else who is not overly experienced is that you have to love yourself first to discover what you like and dislike and
THAT IS OKAY.
"i’m so done with the way girls in twenties are treated. i’m so done with people who literally create timetable for us. 20- 24 find a guy, 24-26 make him propose to you, 27-29 get married. i’m so done. i’m do not want to get 2 a.m texts from my best friend who is freaking out that she is gonna die alone. i do not want see my 20 years old friend wasting her time on some guys who are not even interested in her. i do not want see us falling for every nice guy who does not look creepy. i do not want to see girls get sad or paranoid just bcos they do not fill in the schedule. you are ok. you should enjoy your life at its fullest and one day you will find 10/10 so do not pursue 6 just because you do not want to be single. it is ok and one day you will find someone. do not split your love with people who does not deserve it. keep it for yourself and when time will come you will know. i know it hurts. i know you wish u could just open part of yourself and release the buzzing love. but not every kind of love is romantic. show it to your family, friends, plants, yourself." - Unknown
Something else that really bothers me is how society make it so prominent that if you're not in a relationship by 18-20, living together by 23, married at 25, and having kids by the time you're 28 you're doing it wrong. Which is exactly the point of this quote above that my friend Katie found on Tumblr. I feel this is one of the biggest issues in regards to what love appears to be. Society make it seem like this is a plan for every individual that has to be followed as so many people have met the love of their life by age 16 according to statistics. If you have met the love of your life by 16 then I say good for you, I can 100% confirm I have not. So for young people like me, especially as I'm going to be 20 next year this seems like a pretty impossible plan as even though it's a year away, I doubt I will be in a relationship at 20. Which means the pressure from society on young people to be in relationships is high as you feel you're not keeping up with what society is demanding you should be doing. I personally feel like by the time I am in a serious relationship it'll be too late to experience anything with anyone else because I've had no guys really interested in me throughout my teens and most likely early twenties. I geniuenly feel like the first guy I ever date will end up being the last because even though I'm only 19 I feel like I'm running out of time when quite a few people have already met the people they're going to marry in the next 5 years or so. Due to this pressure any guy I am potentially interested in or is interested in me; I get a bit a head of myself. I automatically start to think about is this person marriage material? Or are they in it for the long shot? As I genuinely feel like I am running out of time to find someone when the reality check is I've still got all of my twenties to find that person. It's also hard for me as I'm into slightly older guys and even though 19 and say 24 isn't a massive age gap. It is in terms of where those ages are at in life. At 19 you're still pretty young and potentially inexperienced about the world still and maybe still in education and living at home. Whereas at 24 you have most likely finished education or have a full time job, and maybe have your own place and your own rules on how you live your life. In terms of social changes and the way people grow up, those ages are quite far apart in maturity rather than years.
But why is the love of another human being in a sexual way so important to us as humans when there are so many other forms of love. Remember, "being single is a status, not a destiny".
Recently, myself and my other friend who I have mentioned in this blog post already, Katie. We both read about how surely the best kind of love is the love where the person or people don't ask you for anything in return. All they want for you to be is yourself. This kind of love is said to be the most cherished because they are literally asking you for nothing.
""the thing is, somebody cares. i know your best friend seems really busy all the time and is shit at texting but she still loves you and she talks to you more than she talks to anyone else and you’re the only breath of calm she has on this planet. the boy in your science class loves seeing what music you’re listening to on your headphones - he has the same taste and wishes he had the nerve to ask you about it. your english teacher loves the insight you have on your papers. somebody cares. the person who lives down the street from you notices when you are sick because they don’t see you stomping your way to the schoolbus - it’s how they know it’s time to get their breakfast ready. somebody is looking for you at the party, even if they don’t know they’re really looking for you - but when you don’t show up, some part of them is disappointed. somebody is looking for you in the library, in the spot where you eat lunch, in front of that one step you always seem to trip on. i know your parents are a complicated mess and there’s drama between your friends and your love life is sort of shaped like a constant question and everybody seems all caught up in their own lives and their own happiness and nobody really notices: but somebody always does. every face in your dreams is someone you have met, and that means that you are in a million’s stranger’s heads. they see you when they go to bed. and somebody cares. somebody still thinks about you even though you were just a person with a nice outfit or good eyeliner or a great smile or because you were having one of those moments that are so charmingly human in nature or because they regret not asking if you needed help when you fell or because they wonder what you were thinking about or drawing or writing or just because you’re alive, and that makes you fascinating. somebody cares. when you were on break from work and saw a dog hanging his head out of the car and suddenly broke into a smile: there was a girl in the back of that car, and I was her, and I still think about you, and i hope you get more chances to smile like that. and there is you, sitting here reading this, and by some small extension, meeting me, and i am telling you, I care. somebody always does. i promise. i promise. you are loved." - Unknown
This quote above really spoke to both Katie and I because it is probably one of the most beautiful quotes I've ever read as it just makes your out look on life different. So you don't have the "love" that is deemed to be the only form of shown love in today's society, so what. You have the love of parents, and sisters, and brothers, and friends, and aunties, and uncles, and cousins, and pets, and even strangers who all love you and who all care about you because it's YOU. Whether it was something you did to make them smile or made them laugh or were there for them during a tough time. You're special. It is a heart warming sentiment to remind all of us as individuals that we play an important role in everyone's life that we meet and that we revolve within. We focus on so much of what we should have and not what we already do. It is so important to remember the worth of the people who are already so important and special in your life right now than the things you want or the person you wish you had in your life. We think so much about the future sometimes we forget to really live in the present.
Yeah I've read that a
couple of times and it reassures me a lot because when ever I feel down about
not being in a relationship and I'm like I will never be loved I always stop
and think that there are people who love me people who cry with me at parties
who let me text them at God know time because I'm sad and I realise that while
I might not be in a relationship I have all the love I need anything more would
be just that, more love – Katie Halliwell
In the end whether you are in a relationship or you are single, it is important to know that you are loved and it is extremely important to always cherish the love of people who truly care about you. Everything you are and everything you're aiming to be that is who they love. Not who you should be or who you're not, not for what you don't have, not for what you lack. But for every inch of who you are is what people truly love you for.
It is okay to forget that other people love you. We get caught up in wanting the romantic side of love and we all forget other people love us and care about us and need us. And it is okay to feel sad if you're not in a relationship, I still do sometimes. But I remind myself that right now I have all the love from the people I value most in my life and without them to love me, I wouldn't be where I am without each one of them.
Never stop being you, one day someone will walk into your life and fall in love with every inch of you. But right now, keep doing you for you and all of the people that are already in love with every inch of you.
Follow your own guiding light and it will get you to where you really need to go.
I hope this post has given all of you lovely readers something to take away, or to think about, or to be reminded of. This post is personally something I've wanted to write for a long time and I feel so happy to have finally written it. It is one of the most personal posts I think I have ever shared with you guys and it has taken a lot of time to figure out what to really say.
I just want to say a few thank you's, firstly to all of you for reading it, secondly to all of the quotes taken from Tumblr and whoever has written them thank you for your beautiful and inspiring words.
And finally, a massive thank you to Miss Katie Halliwell. For me I've finally found someone who I can talk to about all these thoughts and feelings with who really understands where I am coming from. For that, I value her to the max for putting up with me. She has been on board with me for the whole process of creating and writing this post for all of you guys and for that I'm extremely grateful. I love you my coffee twinny.
I will chat to you all again soon.
Love,
Katie
