MINDFUL MONDAYS | Opinions on ASMR, New Inspirations, and Our Lives on the Universe Scale

Hello my lovelies, I hope you're all well and welcome back to a post that isn't blogust! Haha, it feels so strange not saying "welcome back to blogust day twenty..." etc. But anyway, welcome back though to another Mindful Mondays. I know I haven't done one of these for a couple of weeks and I apologise for that but sometimes I just don't have anything I really want to talk about in posts like these. I have to have a spark of inspiration from something I've read or watched or something my mind has been thinking about a lot recently etc. I also know I mentioned in my last Mind Mondays post about us writing a letter to our past and future selves which I will come back around to, as I'm gonna be honest even I haven't written mine yet. So I promise we'll pop back to the letters next week but this week I actually want to talk about something I watched last night. 

We gotta back up a bit first; recently I've been trying out ASMR which stands for autonomous sensory meridian response and is characterised by the sensation of "tingling" usually starting from the back of the scalp and down your neck. The main reason I wanted to try it out was just to see what it was all about as I'd heard a lot of different things and opinions on it. The main channel I have been trying out is ASMR Darling, click here to check her channel out. I've watched quite a lot of her videos now and she offers many different types of ASMR videos to suit different people, such as role play, treatments (getting your hair or nails done), and just relaxing words to help you sleep. I know a lot of people find ASMR weird and creepy and some people even think it's a sexual thing but I can say after trying it out I don't think it's any of those things personally. I think it's actually a really nice technique to relax, especially when you're stressed. To me it also feels quite comforting because of the way the videos are set up - the creator making the video physically talks to you and even though it's mainly generalisations of things in the video to appeal to a wide audience. The sensations and reactions you as an individual will get from an experience like ASMR will be so different to anyone else's. To me ASMR is another type of meditation which is probably the reason I don't think it's weird. I'm a very open minded person and I believe you can't fully have a strong opinion on something until you've tried it yourself or until you've experienced something similar. If you're open minded or you're into meditation I'd really recommend you guys all try out ASMR and tell me what you think of it. 

Anyway, I was up late last night (what's new?) because we all know by now I don't sleep early. But anyway, so I was chilling and I don't really know how I found this video and this channel, I just did. So I came across a video titled 'Stargazing ASMR' from a channel called Goodnight Moon ASMR. I love being out late a night and looking up at the stars, so I clicked on it and all I'm going to say is click here to watch it because you need to watch it before you carry on reading the rest of this post. So seriously, click it, watch it, and then come back. 

Now if you've scrolled to this next section I am assuming you've watched the video. If you haven't and have just scrolled anyway, what are you doing here? I mean it watch the video! 

Anyway, trusting that you have watched the video. I don't know what it is about this video that made feel so drawn in and connected to it. I think it's just because of the way she talks about life and like the psychology behind certain people. And we all know late night conversations are the best; it just really got me thinking about life on the scale of the universe. I've spoken about this before but this video just re-surfaced those thoughts in my mind of: 

'Why are we here?'

'Why does the universe want me here on this earth in this present time period?' 

'Why am I doing the things I'm doing?'

'How have I become the person I am now?'

'What makes my brain look at things a certain way and have opinions on a certain thing?'

I know we always say "this is your life, you do whatever you want to do" etc but sometimes I do sit and I wonder what if the universe has it all planned out for me already? Like what if the universe already knows where I'm going to end up in the future and what if the universe already chooses your destiny before you're even born and have a chance to think about it for yourself. What if we're all just souls that float in the atmosphere and are eventually chosen to come into this life at a certain point in time. And we may never know the reason why and perhaps we're never meant to. But I just find comfort in just letting my mind wander to the questions that most people wouldn't bother to think about, 

Have any of you also noticed how our eyes look like certain galaxies and nebula's in space? If not go and have look at your eyes in the mirror; it sometimes makes me think that maybe deep down in our souls we're all from space or we all have an association to space and the universe more than we actually realise. I just find that fascinating. Once again, it's a question we'll never know the answer to. 

Another question that stems off from all that is 'What is my purpose in life?' and we all know we've asked ourselves this at one point or another. It's again one of those questions that we may never get the answer to. And maybe some of us don't always have a purpose, perhaps the reason some of us are put here is to enjoy the ride and experience life for what it can be. And maybe others of us are put here to remind others how hard life can be and how not everything is meant to be good or meant to be perfect all the time. And maybe we are here for a purpose and some of you might know what your purpose is and some of you might not and that's okay. Personally for me, I believe I am here for the purpose of making other people happy and inspiring other people because I find great joy in doing that. I love doing something for someone else that makes them smile or doing these types of posts for you guys that hopefully inspire you some way or open your mind to something new. And who knows, maybe our purposes in life change as we get older because of all of the learning, growing, and the experiences we do across our lifetime. 

Also in the video at around 9 minutes and onward's she talks about all of our different perceptions on life and how not one of us is right and not one of us is wrong. It's just based on our perceptions which develop from this period of time we've been born in and how that affects how we are, as well as what we've been brought up to learn and how society has impacted our opinions, and then of course our own minds. You know what we really want to believe. And what I find really interesting is when she talks about how all of our life situations are so different and really picturing ourselves in someone else's shoes. How certain circumstances affect who we are beyond other people's understanding. And it just really made me think about other peoples lives in relation to our lives and how we're all supposed to be in one another's lives for reasons that once again we may not understand or may never really know why. And maybe it's never about finding the "why", the answer to the question. Maybe it's just about finding the "thankfulness", for being able to just live our lives for how long we are supposed to be here for and enjoying the happiness of each day as it comes. Maybe our purpose isn't to have a purpose. 

I am a strong believer in the universe and that it directs you where you are supposed to go and maybe that is because the universe already knows the paths you need to go down in order to get where you need to go. I find people always spend so much time worrying about what they're going to do, for example after uni. Whereas for me, I'm a strong believer that the universe will direct me to the right path because the universe has a funny way of putting things for you into perspective and putting things into place for you without you even noticing. 

I just find thinking about our lives in relation to the universe really interesting and it's really comforting for me. I don't really know why. I always find that my mind is most awake at night which is when all of these types of thoughts enter my mind. 

This has been quite a short Mindful Mondays post which is rare. But let me know in the comments your thoughts and feelings on these things I've touched upon in this post. Also, don't forget to write your letters to your past selves and future selves. I'd love to hear some of them from you guys in the comments or feel free to drop me an email @ katiejohnson10@hotmail.com. 

Don't forget to follow me on my Twitter @katielouj0hnson, my Instagram @katiej0hnson, my Pinterest @katielouj0hnson, and my Bloglovin' @ Katie Johnson. Just so you can all keep up to date with me and what I'm doing as I'm always on my social media. 

As always I hope you guys enjoyed and took something from this post. Thank you so much for reading and I shall see you back here again on Wednesday. 

Love,

Katie

BLOGUST | MINDFUL MONDAYS: Reviewing and Relating to 'Note to Self' by Connor Franta

Hello my lovelies and welcome to blogust day twenty one! I hope everyone is well and has had a good start to a brand new week and welcome back to another instalment of Mindful Mondays here on my blog. You'll all be pleased to know I have had a much better Monday than last week and I'm in a much more positive mood.

For the past couple of weeks you guys will know that we've been talking about Connor Franta's book note to self. So obviously we're going to talk about it again this week. If you follow me on Instagram and viewed my story (very late) last night then you'll know that I've officially finished the book. It really didn't take me long to read at all. It's taken me literally just two weeks - for some of you that might seem like forever but that is actually pretty good for me. I'm gonna say it now before we get into properly discussing the book, this is honestly one of the best books I have ever read and we're gonna get into why in a moment. But it's just so relatable and I honestly think everyone can read this and more importantly should read this because it will seriously change your outlook on your life. 

So firstly, the concept is simply open to whoever reads it which to me is why it is so relatable. Now don't get me wrong, obviously there are sections in it that don't necessarily directly relate to me. For example the chapter titled 'the other side of the closet' which is about Connor coming out and being true to himself. But, even though the initial reasoning behind him writing that certain section is about coming out; when reading it you can easily feel empathetic towards what he is saying and relate to it on a level of being open with people about who you are. And that doesn't necessarily have to be about opening up about your sexuality which is what Connor has written it for. It can easily relate to opening up about how you feel about certain things which I do a lot with my friends and recently I actually did it with my parents. And you know what, I feel a lot better for it. Opening up about my feelings to people has always been something I find hard and even though I know that I'll never fully divulge into the full extent of certain things with everyone and how that element, whatever it was, affected me on a personal level; it does feel good to tell whoever it may be about something that has been getting you down or that you don't agree with etc. 

But that's what I like about this book. Even though the experiences spoken about in the book are Connor's, you can easily relate it to parts of your own life as you're reading it because the majority of this book is about life experiences and the feelings and the growth that comes with those life experiences. 

I absolutely love this entire book but I figured if I spoke about every single page then we'll be here all night long. So I'm going to speak about the sections I could really relate to and the ones that really touched me and one of those sections was this one titled 'to my dearest past.' 

Honestly this section hit me right in the feels. I was on the verge of full on balling my eyes out and I'm not going to lie, I did actually shed a few tears. I think the reason it hit me so much was because we all have a past where we've all had our own struggles and faced our own challenges that we feel like no one else goes through. Yes we all are walking down our own path and are on the journey to figuring out who we are. But this section highlighted to me that we are all in the same boat. We might be going through different things and experiencing our emotions on different levels. And at the time it will more than likely feel like that we can't talk to any of our friends because they wont "understand." The letter itself is quite long as he mentions before he starts the letter it's for across his stage of life from 12-22. I can't explain the whole letter, but essentially it talks about the changes of growing up and morphing into the person you're meant to be. Through that Connor talks about his life and his experiences up till now and it just made me realise how much we all don't really know what we've been through. I always say you never know how far you have come until you look back and when I think about my life from 12-20 it is insane how much I've grown and changed as a person. I've shared a lot of my teen experiences with you guys and all of the hard times I have been through and I look at where I am right now and how good my life has been over the last few years. I feel like everything I went through as teen, even though some of those years of my life were so full of hate, was all worth it when I think of where I am now. When I was going through my darkest moments at the ages of 14-16 it was honestly the hardest years of my life and I got to a place where I never want to be ever again because it was so unhealthy and it still sometimes makes me feel a bit emotional to this day. At the time I thought I'd never be happy again and I'd be stuck in that loop forever and I really thought it would never get better. And the hardest moment for me was expressing how I felt about everything and having the courage to be open and honest and put a stop to all of the shit I was going through. Honestly I am so grateful that my little self at 15 years old had the courage to do that because 20 year old me today is so thankful to her. Without me doing what I did for myself I really don't think I would be who I am right now. Even though what I went through was really hard and hateful, looking back today I realised I needed it to go through that to learn how to stand my ground and learn how to tell people how I felt and it gave me a push to be who I want to be. 

Reading Connor's letter to himself made me realise how much growing up we all actually do from the teen years. At that age you never think those things you go through are going to affect you like they do. Most of the time I reckoned this was just normal teen life and this is how life is right now and it will go away one day. But it is crazy how those things I've been through are still apart of me today. And you guys will never truly know how much I have changed as you haven't experienced every part of my life with me even though I've shared a lot of it with you. But the one thing I would have to say to past me is simply thank you for being so brave. Thank you for having the courage to stick up for yourself and stay true to who you are and even though people tore you down and ruined your spirit. You still found away to rise back up again and rebuild your spirit and shine with that sparkle from within which you're still doing to this day. 20 year old me is forever thankful and grateful to you for just letting it all fall into place because without that I wouldn't be sitting here the woman I have become and are still becoming. Thank you from the bottom of my heart because you don't know how much present me loves you for everything you have given me. 

If you guys are currently going through the teen period of 12-20. All I can say to you is keep going because it will all make sense one day. I know it might not feel like it now but it will and the things I went through is living proof of that. Always be true to who you are and keep moving forward. I did a post a little while ago about my teen years and what it's been like for me growing up. Also my experiences and how I dealt with a lot of things growing up, so if you guys are interested and want to know more about my life or want some advice then click here to be directed to that post. 

Memories are funny things. In this section Connor talks about how an unmemorable day is made memorable because and quote, "it was just a good day." I've experienced so many days similar to this, especially in the last few years. I don't necessarily always remember days but I remember moments. The most memorable moments for me are when things just happen naturally and spontaneously. One of my favourite moments and this is one I treasure a lot is actually from this year. I've spoken about it before in a previous post but at the end of my second year my year and I did a unit called performance practice where we put on a show in six weeks working as whole team whether you're cast or crew. We all really grew as a family and one of the days we were all really tired and getting snappy and our lecturer put on some music to brighten up our moods and have a bit of fun which worked wonders. But we were enjoying it so much and just living right then and there in that moment that we carried on. Nothing else mattered but that moment together. It felt like time didn't matter and work didn't matter but all that did matter was us being together. Nowadays I feel like it is so rare to just live every moment because of how fast paced all of our lives are. What we experienced on that day I felt like was a really rare moment in time where people put everything aside to come together and be together - no one was on their phones or sitting out, we all just bounced off each other's energy and lived. It almost felt like a scene from a movie; I feel like there aren't a lot of days like this one we experienced even though being on a drama course we always have fun because performing is our craft. But this moment in particular we weren't doing it for any other purpose than to live and be happy. To some of you guys reading this you might not get that and maybe it's because you've never experienced it yet. But to me, that moment will forever remain in my heart and probably one of my favourite memories from university.

Another example I can give is actually just simply spending time with people. So this year my friends Jen, Jess, Ethan, Andy, and I were together 24/7 because we pretty much picked all of the same subjects for second year and because of that we were in every lesson together. And you would think that the memories you remember most would be the days you go out together and do awesome things. Although those kinds of days make great memories, the moments I remember the most and look back on with a smile are the days when we sat in the canteen for hours just talking about whatever it was that came to mind and enjoying each others company. For me, just being with them and all of my other friends literally makes my day. I value those days so much as they're the days when you really get to know a person and have that level of connection which I feel like have individually with every friend I have. All of my friends will never know how much I truly value their friendship and how much I love them to the moon and back. Sometimes I pinch myself because my life has gone by so fast and I think how did I get this lucky to have a group of friends that just get me and finally have somewhere where I belong with people who love me for me with no judgement. The friendship groups that feel like a family are the greatest and I definitely feel that with my group of friends which I feel like is also really rare to find. Whatever I did to deserve them, I'm extremely grateful every single day for each of them and I can't picture my life without them now. I hope my fantastic five (Jen, Jess, Ethan, Andy, and I) as well as all of my other friends; I hope we get days like this again as I look back on them with a big smile on my face and my heart feeling full. 

The final section of the book I am going to talk about this evening is this one titled 'don't waste it.' which is all about us as people wanting nothing but to grow up when we're younger and then when we're older wanting nothing but to be young again. We all know we've said this and then regretted it later. Connor doesn't only go on to talk about that but he also highlights how because of this mentality it means we never actually fully appreciate what we do have and always have battle with wanting what we can't have. 

"Whether you're twenty one or fifty seven, life doesn't get easier the older you get. I'm willing to bet it boils over many times prior to simmering down again. And so my point is this: Don't waste your youth trying to grow up. Because there will come a time when all you'll do is yearn for the kind of naivete, blissful ignorance, and responsibility-free days that cushioned our younger years. 

In our youth we are meant to make mistakes. Like it's almost our duty to mess up. How satisfying is that? Screw-ups are meant to happen; they teach us about right and wrong and, hopefully, build a constant reminder of "rights" for our futures. We need to fall on our asses - and, if you're like me, more than once - in our teenage years to better prepare us for adulthood. We endure adolescent difficulties to steel ourselves for the harsh realities of being a human in the world. And the luxury of youth is that most of us don't have to pay for, well, anything: clothes, food, rent, heat, air-conditioning, and those little chip-bag clips. Yup, even those cost money. EVERYTHING costs money, and money takes time to earn. SO much time. 

You'll realise none of this when you're young, because it's not your job to understand yet. Your job is to go to a building for eight hours a day, five days a week, and learn about the world and it's complexities. How cool is that? I'll take it! I'll have what she's having! Give me YOUR job! Of course, it's only with the benefit of hindsight that I fully appreciate how incredible it is that we each have the opportunity to dedicate our lives, for a time, to school... and growing up. It's a privilege that goes underappreciated. I wish I had respected that more at the time, but cest la vie, I suppose. 

On paper, yes, I am a legal adult. I live on my own, have a job, pay my bills, do my taxes... the works! But the catch is this: I most definitely don't feel like an adult... and I kind of like that. I feel lucky to have had this realisation while caught in two phases of my life. In fact I kind of hope to feel this way for the majority of my years. I'm forever young, happily suspended in the middle ground. 

When that lady told me I was "old", (earlier in the chapter) I really shouldn't have freaked out, because it was a compliment. She saw me as a child but heard me as an equal. That's special... and rare. I've managed to chameleon my way through different social circles and adapt to whatever my surroundings are. Maybe one day I'll fully move on to adulthood and be content with that transition. Until then, I'm happy to enjoy the ride as the grandpa-child that I am, happily living each day at the age I am." 

(Franta, C., Note To Self, 2017, p. 253-55) 

Apologies for the extremely long quote but I didn't know how to sum it up any other way than what Connor already had in this chapter. I know that I definitely wished away my teen years and what doesn't help is after year 8 (for me personally) was when life just started to go by so fast. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm now 20 years old when I can remember being 16 years old like it was yesterday. Life grows you up so fast and I learned a lot through my teens but I definitely couldn't wait for school to be over. However, I always wanted to grow up to the point that I'm at now. I never wished my life away to the point of being 40 with 4 kids as of yet. But the main thing I was looking forward to was being this age now and experiencing life for me as it is only now where I feel like I am the true me even though I am still learning and growing everyday. I love the woman that I am and I can't wait to see where this journey of life takes her to in the future. 

My girl Chloe and I were actually talking this evening about how quickly our lives have gone by. Whenever we meet we have a lot of fab deep life chats which we both love and it really hit us tonight that our last year of uni is coming and we really aren't ready for that to end. Uni is a bliss because you're still in the comfort of expanding your knowledge and learning life lessons whilst still being able to go out and live in your youth whilst you can with no rules and no one to tell you what to do. In my opinion that is why everyone should consider going to uni because it's not about the grades, at the end of the three years it's about the experiences you had and the opportunities you were given and most importantly the friends you made. I know those are things that will be treasured dear to my heart when the time comes this time next year. Our "future" is literally right round the corner and honestly right now it feels like we're going in blind. It's terrifying when you think about it because none of us truly know what will happen and where we'll end up. But then again I guess that's the beauty of life - you get taken on journeys to places you never thought were meant for you and then one day we'll all look back and realise why the universe made us take the path we did. Everything will come into full circle and we'll all realise why our lives panned out the way it did. A lot of my family are asking me what I'm going to do after uni and my answer to that is, "I don't know." However what I do know and can always rely on is that the universe in relation to all of our lives has a funny way of pushing you in the right direction and telling you where your heart is meant to go. I know through third year, I'll figure it out and whatever is meant to fall into place will. And even though I'm excited to see where I go in life and where all of my friends end up in life, whatever it is we do, I hope we're happy and that we love and live every moment of it. But as Connor said, right now I am "happily living each day the age I am." 

I hope you guys know that wherever you are at right now is where you are meant to be and whatever that is just live in it. Life has a strange way of pushing you and pulling in all different directions and it is time we all appreciated and enjoyed the ride a lot more instead of wishing we could just hurry up and find that parking space. 

Overall the main reason everyone should read this book is because it will change your outlook on your life. It doesn't matter the kind of person you are, somewhere along the lines we can all relate to this book because of the growth and experiences we've all had to shape us into who we are today. If you're 25 years and under this is the book you need to read. You guys already know I like to hopefully inspire some of you and I'm quite wise and open about all manners of different things. This book in particular made me realise more how important everything we all experience in life is. Whether big or small, in our life every moment matters. We take way too many things, people, and privileges for granted these days because of the way the world is that we live in. Let's be honest, we've all done it, I've done it for sure. 

We should appreciate everything and everyone we have because we don't know when all that could just be taken away from us. We need to love and live in every element of our lives with a fire in our heart and soul because not everything will always last forever, whether you know one day something will come to an end or not.

From this moment on, let us all just live and experience everything in full, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the excitement and the disappointment, because all of that is going to make us who we are and who we are becoming. 

I hope you all enjoyed today's Mindful Mondays post. I hope you all go out and buy this book because it's honestly amazing to the point that I can't express to you how much you need it in your life. Even though I've reviewed and analysed bits and pieces for you guys. It's one of those books you have to read for yourself to fully relate it to you 100% and when I say it will change your outlook on your life, trust me, it really will. And because of this I now really want to read 'A Work in Progress.' 

I know last weeks challenge was to analyse yourself if you were comfortable with it. And now this week I'm going to challenge both of us, you and I, to write a letter to our past self and our future self. I am going to do both and share it with you guys in the next chapter of  Mindful Mondays, the 28th of August. 

Have you read 'note to self' or do you want to read it? 

Have you read 'A Work in Progress' or do you want to read it? Let me know in the comments down below. 

Thank you guys so so so much for reading and I'll see you all again tomorrow. 

Love,

Katie

 

BLOGUST | MINDFUL MONDAYS: Emotions Are High & Analysing Myself

Hello my lovelies and welcome to blogust day fourteen. As the image suggests, I do hope you've all had a happy Monday. I sadly have not had a happy Monday, but we'll get into that in a bit. 

The first thing I want to talk about in today's Mindful Monday is Connor Franta's book 'note to self.' I mentioned in our last "session", if that's the right phrasing, that I was reading this book and I still am reading it. I'm currently on 207 out of 304 pages. So just under 100 pages left to go. I've loved reading it and I'm going to be disappointed when I finish it as it's a really nice read and because it's not a story it's easy to follow along as every section is glimpses of Connor's life at different points through words, poetry, and imagery. I really love that about this book. I think one of the reasons it's easy to connect with is because we've all felt similar feelings to one another at some stage in our life due to the outcomes of different events. In a section, can't remember for the life of me which one, he talks about how one of the reasons human beings are so connected even when it feels like were not is because some where along the lines we've all experienced that similar feeling of sadness or heartbreak from either something or someone. So the empathy we have in relation to one another is what keeps us so connected in a world that feels so unconnected these days. 

That's really stuck with me since I've read that section because it's true. In the past when family and friends, especially friends, have been sad or heartbroken we're always there for one another because we care. We may not be able to fully understand how it actual feels because obviously we're not in one another's heads but we've all felt those core emotions like happiness and sadness. So we can understand a persons feelings to be there and care for them - empathy. 

*DISCLAIMER*

(Some of these things I'm going to talk about are quite deep and might be hard hitting for some of you. So just bare that in mind when reading a head. But please read to the end as it would mean the world)

Which leads onto the reason why I'm not having a happy Monday. Now learning how to be mindful is a fantastic way to live a more positive life as it opens your eyes to the world and invites you to embrace everything in life. Which I'm all about. But you can't be positive all the time. It's a fact. We're human beings and we go through the motions of happiness, sadness, anger, disgust, fear, and surprise - these are our core emotions and no I'm not going to make reference to Inside Out even though it is one of my favourite movies but not the point. And all of those emotions have to be in our life in order to stay balanced. If you guys have been here for a long time you will know that I talk about being balanced a lot because I am a very balanced person in all areas of my life and I need that balance to stay happy. But that balance has taken shape today in the form of sadness and anger but it's more disappointment than it is anger. 

I'm not going to go into every single detail of why this has happened. I'm just mainly going to talk about how it's made me feel. So you know when you're on an immense high and everything seems to be going really well and the positive vibes are just flying through the roof? And there's just something that happens which causes it to fly back down again? Well that's me today. I got offered something that might've potentially opened a lot of doors and I hadn't told many people what it was, only a few, and some were really happy for me and thought it was going to be a great opportunity and it was right up my street. Which I agree, it was. But you know when the main people you expect to support you and be there for you in your life and push you forward and then if something does go wrong to pick you back up when you fall? Well I thought I had that but right now it really feels like I don't. I just want to mention I'm not here to prove anything to anyone, the only person you should be making proud is yourself regardless what any else says. I always say you don't have to agree with someone but you should always be there to love and support them in whatever decision they want to do because it's their life not yours. But I'm finding it really hard right now to do both of those things because, one those people aren't supporting me and two it feels like whatever I want to do or to take the opportunity to do is irrelevant. Which is completely wrong and unfair because it's my life. I absolutely hate it when people try and put me in a box of what "I should be" instead of "what I am". I'm actually sick to death of being treated like a child all the time. To me personally, it feels like certain individuals forget that I am 20 and not 2. 

Some of you guys might be wondering why I've been feeling these things but honestly they've been bubbling inside for a long time and today because of an element I snapped and I cried for a good portion of the afternoon. I feel personally in order to feel balanced and have mindfulness in your life you have to look at things from both sides of being positive and negative. And I'm not only talking about the positive and negative sides of the world and things happening in all our lives. I'm talking about us as people. Looking into ourselves and realising and accepting how we really are as people. So that's the good side of us as well as our bad side. So I'm gonna do that with you guys today. 

I know in my heart that I am a good person with good intentions with goals and hopes and dreams. I have a very positive outlook on life and I believe that we can all achieve whatever we want to if we set our minds to it and believe in ourselves enough. In my heart I know I am capable of great things and I know I deserve the best and my happiness is worth every penny. But sometimes it's hard to feel that way when you feel like no one is really by your side. I always say that the only person you always have is yourself because it's true. Only you are gonna be there all the time to pick yourself up when you fall or encourage yourself to do something etc. But we need other people by our sides to give us encouragement and advice because its easy to get lost in a lot of our own thoughts and opinions on ourselves. Everyone, we're all so hard on ourselves all the time, we all forget that we're only human and we're not perfect. 

I'm a very open person but at the same time I'm a very private person. I talk a lot and I talk to friends a lot about a range of different topics and I am more than happy to talk about our lives and be open to hearing other peoples feelings if they choose to tell me. But when it comes to myself telling other people how I feel, it's a different story. I'm always there for anyone who needs me because I've known how its felt to go through things "alone" and I'm using that term loosely because the majority of the time that we feel alone we aren't really alone. But anyway, I've never been someone to tell everyone how I feel about certain feelings I have and it goes back to when I was younger. That phase of "no one cares how I feel" was a key thought and feeling I had in my early teens. Which I obviously know now is so unhealthy for anyone's mental health. And I don't think that anymore, I know there's always at least one person who I can talk to about something that's upsetting me or bothering me. Which I really appreciate when I'm not at my best because I go from the extreme of being really happy and positive to really sad and upset. I wouldn't say I'm negative on myself like I used to be when I was younger. But I kind of just end up crying about whatever situation it is that got me feeling so down as I have no other way to express what I feel than to cry. Crying is a great release when things have been building up for so long and you can't take it anymore. I still struggle with telling people how I feel even though the struggle isn't as great as it used to be. But I have certain people I share parts of my life with like we all do. Like really personal and deep parts of my life with and the people that have had those kind of conversations with me are the people I fully love, trust, and value in my life. And they will probably never know how much I truly do need them. 

Something I do a lot when I'm feeling insecure in myself that has stemmed off from something else that has happened. I compare myself to others and I absolutely hate it when I do that. I hate it when I get in that mind set that "everyone is better than me" when I know that isn't true because we're all unique. I do it a lot in relation to being a blogger and also being a performer. I always think I can do better, which isn't a problem as bettering yourself is always good. But it becomes a problem when I feel like everyone else is better than I'll ever be and I don't have those feelings very often. I only get those feelings when I'm at a point of feeling so insecure in myself and it comes from the simple fact that some people make me feel so low and so incapable of doing anything even though I know in my heart that the belief I have in myself will always be bigger than anyone else's opinion. I really try not to let it get at me but sometimes it does and it makes me feel like shit. When people make me feel like I can't do something and they put me in a box I loose the motivation to try and do anything. I hate that I do that but sometimes all I really need to do is to feel those emotions and let them in because I know eventually they'll go out again. It's okay because I know I'm strong and I'll get passed it and I'll keep on doing me for me. 

We all have parts of ourselves we don't like. None of us are made to be perfect. The only way we all grow is when we realise who we really are. I'm never going to be perfect. But I know in my heart I am who I'm supposed to be and I am where I am meant to be. And the good will always outweigh the bad even on days, like today, it feels like it wont. One of the main things that has always helped me on my good days and my bad days is singing and listening to music. For me singing for hours and hours is one of my favourite past times and I find it some how fixes everything for me. Whether I'm feeling sad and need to cry or whether I'm feeling happy and just want to feel in a good mood. It is actually crazy what music can really do to a persons mood. Depending on the mood I'm in it will reflect the music I listen to. So if you guys are ever feeling down try listening to music and singing as it's one of the things that helps me the most to block everyone else out if I only want me to be in my own head. 

At this moment now I am constantly stuck between being this and not being this. Honestly when I'm at uni and I'm away from home I honestly feel like I can be truly me and express who I am which is probably one of the reasons I love living in Chester so much. But then when I come home I get treated like a child the majority of the time when I'm not. I'm a 20 year old woman for crying out loud and it infuriates me that some people honestly think they can try and tell me who I am. But this word, unfuckwithable, I think is honestly something we can all try and work on. 

I know this post has been quite heavy and honest and emotional. But I don't want to end this on a sad note. You guys know by now that I always look for the positive in every situation and trying to find something positive in this situation is hard for me. But what I do want you all to know is that if you ever feel like you can't do something, know that you can. If you ever feel like you're not as good as everyone else, know that you are. And if you ever feel like no one is there for you, know that someone always is. Especially me. All of you lovelies reading this, you've experienced my true and real feelings and I want you all to know that if you need someone to be there for you, I'll always be here because I cherish and I love every single one of you. 

If I could give you guys any words of advice for right now as well as the future it would honestly be to never give up on your passion. Always keep going because we are all capable of great things in whatever we aspire to do and whoever we aspire to be. Never ever let anyone dull your sparkle and make you feel like you can't do this. 

Because you can.

Well my lovelies, I think I'm going to end it there. I know this has been hard hitting but I hope some where along the lines you related to some of the things I was mentioning and still enjoyed it to some extent. Just because I was feeling low I didn't not want to put up a post for you guys. You know that I'm always open, honest, and real with you guys and I hope this post reflected that. 

In relation to the last Mindful Mondays post, I asked you guys to write your own happiness list. I hope you discovered more things that you're happy about than you thought and it brought you joy to write those things down.

This week as I've poured out my emotions and feelings with you guys. If you're okay emotionally to do this as I know everything above for some of you might've been hard to digest. I want you guys to write a positive and negative list about yourself by the 21st of August, which is when another Mindful Mondays is coming your way. You don't have to if you don't want to but to talk about the things that make us, us, the good as well as the bad, is a good way to really appreciate who you are at every angle. And now as we're at the end of this post my mood is much more neutral and I'm not sad anymore because I've shared all of these feelings with you guys.

Thank you guys for reading if you got this far, I really appreciate that I can be open and honest with you and you guys don't judge me for that. I promise tomorrow's post will be more upbeat than this one. 

Don't forget to follow me on all my social medias via the links in my header. If you want to see more from me and stay updated with what I am doing.

Thank you for the love and support as I really cherish it as it encourages me to keep going and keep blogging and keep creating new content for you guys. 

I love you all so much. 

Love,

Katie

 

BLOGUST | MINDFUL MONDAYS: What is Live Art and Mindfulness, The Next Steps, and The Happiness List

Hello my lovelies and welcome to Blogust day seven. I hope everyone is doing well. 

(just a note from current Katie J who's just finished this post at 2:51am fyi, hey, you're gonna need a drink and a snack because this post is long guys - other than that. I hope you enjoy)

So for today's post I have something really different. A little while ago back when I was doing Live Art I mentioned in a post titled "Coffee Chats: Feeling Inspired, Grateful, and Mindful" that I was enjoying what I was doing for live art so much I wanted to incorporate being mindful into my everyday life as much as possible. Which during that whole period I did and I was really immersed in the whole idea of life being something you should live and love everyday. At the end of that post I mentioned that I wanted to start doing this new series on Monday's called, "Mindful Mondays" which I was really down for and then life got so busy and so hectic that I posted nothing through March and then April I was focused on a lot of other types of posts. Then in May and June performance practice was essentially all I had time for so I didn't get the chance to sit down and figure out what I wanted this series to be and how I wanted it to be framed and what I wanted the outcome of these posts to be etc.

So fast forward a few months later here we are, you and I, finally sitting together to be mindful. Now if you're sat here thinking what on earth have I clicked on, I haven't got the faintest clue about what "live art" is or what being "mindful" means. Then have no fear my lovely, you have come to the right place as it will all be explained throughout this post. 

Your first question might be, Why have you decided to do this now? Well, in third year I have decided that I am going to carry on my live art journey for my negotiated study (NS) and hopefully learn, discover, develop, and improve the current product I ended up with. So after the module finished I pretty much had no time to actually think about it because everything with drama society and performance practice happened so quickly that I literally couldn't fit it in my brain. As of right now I am literally doing nothing but blogging and so I figured why not make it apart of blogust and then I can have a bit more prep and more of a grasp before I go into third year and carry on developing it. I don't know what the end product will be for my NS but that is the beauty of a devising process within drama based work. 99.9% of the time you think of an original idea and the end result is never the idea you started with. In a devising process ideas and other elements are allowed to come into play with the original idea and everything can be subject to change in order to make whatever you're doing "flow" and change isn't really change in drama, it's development. You have to go through it in order to develop your work or performance as well as yourself through the process. Which is definitely what live art does. 

Obviously I am not a professional live art lecturer or anything but it was by far my favourite lesson of second year because I really connected to the possibilities of what live art can become. It's quite hard to explain as our theory lessons were pretty intense for this module. But in short form and in easy terms live art is essentially the argument that anything can be classed as art. For example, sitting on a chair to some people is just sitting on a chair, which it was to me before I started this module. But to some people that could be art. And if an artist did that and said it's art then it is classed as art. Which is 100% okay because everyone has a different eye to what they consider to be and don't consider to be art. But in live art the majority of the time it isn't the doing that is the art aspect it's the intentions behind it from the artist and the interpretation from the audience members. 

During the theory lessons we had a lot of different category's involved within this one subject area. There's space, place, time, documentation, and there was a couple more but I honestly can't remember for the life of me what they are. But ever since the presentation I got really attached to this idea of "time" and what is time and how time is just something that we all know to this day but someone created this element of time so we could essentially keep our life on track I suppose. Which really isn't very freeing but sometimes that's how life is. 

There was actually a section in this presentation that was pointing out that if you do something for long enough it becomes "timeless". It's almost as if you're not watching a performance that has a time limit. It's as if that element is taking place for so long that it exceeds this fabric of what we call time. There's no time limit on what we call time because that element happening within that time makes the connection with our time, "real life time" you could call it. So from that point on I became obsessed with the idea of how do you make something "timeless" and how do you make people in life today forget about time. I always feel like everyone is so dependent on time and we are all constantly stuck between having loads of time and not enough time. 

Life is busy, the statement I made above, we all get that feeling like we don't have time when in reality we do. There are 24 hours in a day and 168 hours in a week. That's a lot of bloody time if you ask me. We all have time periods where life is moving at what feels like a ridiculously fast pace and that "time" slips right through our finger tips and before we know it our week of 168 hours is over in the blink of an eye and we still feel like we got nothing done. Fitting your life around the time and the time around your life is not easy. Think about all of the things you have to do in one day: wake up, eat breakfast, get ready for school, university or work, make lunch, travel to where you need to go and then go to school, university or work, eat lunch, then eventually travel home after the long working day, make dinner, potentially do extra work for tomorrow, spend time with your partner or catch up with friends and family, have a shower or a bath, spend time for yourself, get enough sleep, and then the cycle starts again. As well as those extra little tasks we all have to do throughout the week like go shopping, reply to emails, clean the house etc. 

Sometimes life can be such a routine that we all just fall into and we just exist in the time we do all of these things in and we don't live in the time we do all of these things in. So with all that in mind and relating back to live art. I wanted to focus on the concept of time and making people forget about time. But within that, I also wanted to make people just live in the moment as I feel like so many people don't do that these days. It feels as if we only live in fragments of time, i.e. the time we really choose to live in and appreciate living in. For example, spending time with family and friends after not seeing them for a while, or going to a concert to see your favourite artist, or getting the opportunity to do a once in a life time experience like sky diving or swimming with dolphins. And although those kind of moments are wonderful and should be fully lived and remembered but shouldn't all areas of life be like that? The good and the bad. 

So with all that in mind I started thinking about how I could potentially make those elements all work together. So I was really inspired by Marina Abramovic and she is a live/ performance artist and has done so many different types of performances over her whole life and career within this industry. The main reason I looked into her is because she has done a lot of time based performances. For example, she did a performance called The Artist is Present where she sat in a chair all day long and members of the public where allowed to come in for as long as they wanted to and they sat across from each other with only a table between them and just sat and stared at each other. This was all about the energy between two people as some people felt need to reach out to her, or felt a rush of emotions like happiness or sadness, and other people felt nothing. And she has done so many other performances and if you guys are interested to find out more just type her name into Google and all of her work etc comes up. I find her really interesting. 

I found a quote in a book by Marina herself that said, "In occupying the 'special state' of trance where the customary rules are suspended, an individual may also express views and opinions that might not otherwise be spoken; thus becoming a conduct through which the unsayable is said [...] extended periods of time as means of both entering a trance-state and also as a means of being very much 'in the moment' ". Which is essentially talking about when a person gets put into a certain mind frame and they feel safe and at peace in and out they will feel as if they are living in that moment. I figured out early on I wanted to go down the reflective, spiritual, emotive, or calming route to whatever my performance was going to end up being. But it was a long process to figure out how to portray this across in the correct way - framing this piece was especially important to how it would be performed and interpreted not just by myself but by others. 

After many talks with my lecturer and figuring out together what I actually really wanted to do and how to do it. We decided for what I was trying to do it was best to go down the route of relaxation and more importantly meditation. This was a challenge for me as obviously I am not a meditation teacher, which arose another element of the fact that I am not a meditation teacher and I was doing this for the purpose of art. So I had to consider how my performance would be art and not a meditation class and that was quite difficult but I definitely got there in the end. 

 I actually came up with the title "Holding Space" due to stumbling across a random website by mistake and realised that all of the meanings of holding space really related to what I was trying to do. 

So what does it mean to 'hold space' for someone else? 

It means we are willing to walk along side another person in whatever journey they are on without judgement, without making them feel inadequate, without trying to fix them, or trying to impact the final outcome of this journey. But it is impossible to be a strong space holder without having other people to hold space for us. For example, when I did this performance I was holding space for the individual who was taking part, whilst my lecturer was holding space for me and making sure that I was alright throughout etc. It's a whole big cycle that goes all the way round to form a perfect circle. We all do it every day without even realising it. Holding that space is about trust, trusting one another - wanting to give people advice but not trying to fix their problem or judge them for not being where they "should be" in life. But we keep trying because we know it's important. 

To do this we have to support individuals in their own growth, transformations, grief etc. We can't take power away by fixing them, we can't shame them by implying that they should know more than what they do, or overwhelm them by giving them more than what they're ready for. We have to step aside so they can make their own choices. But when you hold space for someone you offer unconditional love and support, and you give them gentle guidance when it is needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes.

"Holding Space" is something we can ALL do for each other. 

So this is how I came to the conclusion that I wanted this to be the title and that my actual performance itself was going to be a guided meditation. 

Title: Holding Space

Description: A beginner's mind to a beginners mind(fulness). A guided meditation of self-love, self-care, and self-acceptance. 

My lecturer, the peers in my class, my friends, and the peers in my years that I told about it thought it was a really beautiful idea and a really wonderful thing to want to do for people. My lecturer also mentioned to me that whenever she sits down and talks to me that she already gets this immense sense of calm. Which is true I am a very calm and an open person and she said it's really easy to talk to me because of the aura I give off. Which was a really nice compliment but then I started thinking about it and it is pretty true as often I have heart to hearts with a lot of my friends and people do ask me for advice etc. 

And it was after this that I realised that's what I like to. I want to make other people happy as there's nothing more uplifting when you see someones mood shoot up because of something you did. It just gives such an incredible feeling of fulfilment for me. It was also after this that I realised that is all I want to do for the rest of my life. Make people happy and make people realise that living your life for you is worth every moment because we are never going to live this life that we are right now again. You guys know that I have been at some of the lowest lows over the course of my life and I never want anyone to ever feel the way I did. So anything that I can do to give people something that brightens or uplifts them in any way or changes the way they see life and about their life is amazing. I don't think sometimes people realise that it's events and activities like this where it can potentially even save someones life all because someone took the time out of their day to help them and listen and offer advice and be there for one another etc. And we all need to do more of that. 

After this point as you can image a lot of time was spent researching about "beginners mind" because obviously I was a beginner to and I hadn't done too much meditation type stuff in the past which then lead onto this term "mindfulness". So I'm not going to go into every single bit of research as we'd be here all day and this post is already jam packed with information. 

So what does this term "mindfulness" mean? 

It is a quality or a state of being conscious or aware of something. The mental state is achieved by focusing ones awareness on the present moment whilst calmly accepting ones feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations used as a therapeutic technique. 

 So that is what it means in short form but obviously to practice mindfulness and learn different techniques of what works for you takes quite a while. Even I'm no where near that stage yet. But the meditation combined with the mindfulness was a great combination because although I lead the audience members into a state of relaxation it also meant they were aware that I was holding space for them and guiding them through a state of mind of positive and negative energy and always making sure they were safe and that they trusted me enough to know that what I was doing for them was going to be good for their mental health. Through the meditation I used the power of imagery as imagery is a very powerful tool in meditation and the imagery that my audience members got was all really interesting.

During this module whilst I was researching I found a book called 'How To Be Mindful'  written by Anna Barnes. Which was my actual gem when doing this module and is still a little gem to this day. 

I fell so in love with the mindful one that I bought the happy and the calm versions. There is also a confident version with a red cover too which I definitely need to get to complete this collection I've got going on. I bought mine from The Works for only £3 each!  I read these all within less than a day of when I purchased them and I am in love with these. They are the loveliest and most inspiring books I have ever read. I think these are perfect for anyone to have a read of but especially if you have trouble with feeling low or kind of feeling like just not 100% yourself. These are great just to have a read of and it's crazy how a book can make you feel uplifted and more inspired. As that's definitely what the mindful one did for me. I remember the day I read it, I was up in Chester and sat in Costa at about 4:00pm ish and there was a section that speaks about walking. And it says to become aware of how you hold yourself, your posture, how you walk, how your feet feel when you walk, how your shoes affect your walking etc. So after I finished my coffee it was about 5:30pm ish and then I left and decided to put these ideas into practice and I took a long walk home listening to music and it was slowly getting dark as it was around the middle of February I think. But I honestly felt so calm, relaxed, and at one with the world. I just love walking around late in the evening, I find it so calming. 

These are just a few of my favourite pages from all three books but I think the all of them are amazing and stunning. I learned from all three of these books that every element, happiness, mindfulness, calmness, that they all play apart in learning how to be mindful which really helped me out through my assessment for live art. If you guys are interested at learning a little bit more and how to ease yourself into mindfulness these books are amazing for that, I honestly would highly recommend. 

I really wanted to keep a process diary for myself and then a little diary for the audience members that participated to share their thoughts and their feelings. And when I read through the little comments, it was just so nice to know I made people feel better, more happy, more relaxed, more awake, and most importantly, they said they forgot about time and it felt like "time didn't exist". It just felt so good to know that I achieved what I started out with wanting to achieve. It honestly felt so amazing. 

Fast forward five months and here we are today. So as I've told you guys already I want to carry on live art for my NS project and hopefully learn and discover more in order to develop what I have already done. And I figured that incorporating the re-connection with this during blogust would be a ideal as I'm obviously blogging everyday (hopefully) and it means that I can have this on my blog every Monday and not only will this really help for my prep with my NS. I can also help you guys who are interested and want to learn more. 

So today I finally started reading this. I was kindly gifted this for my birthday from my friend Charlie as I saw this and had a quick flick through before my birthday and decided I really wanted it. Now obviously because I've been so busy I didn't have time to read it until today. 

Please ignore that mark on the back, I honestly do not know what it is. I can't get it off without it smudging every where and ruining the cover more than it already has. Knowing me it's probably makeup. But anyway, I started reading this earlier today and I actually am already in love with it. I love it because it's not a story and it is a journal but it's not overly concentrated on just Connor himself. He always relates his experiences and his realisations back to the reader. Which means you can really relate to his experiences and his realisations. I really like this idea of it being an open diary as it means it is very versatile. Like it says on the back it "gives my insides a voice through visuals" and I think that is such a beautiful phrase. I just find it a really interesting concept and I love the thought of it being so personal yet so open at the same time. The mix of the two is very clever. I can't say too much else about it as I've only just started it today. But on first impression basis I love it and I would highly recommend it. In my next or future Mindful Mondays post/ posts I'll definitely do a review on this whole book if you guys want to see that. Just let me know down below. 

I actually wanted this book as it is really in tune with my live art project and my research into mindfulness etc. So I think this book is really going to help me out as I carry on my research and I carry on learning, discovering, creating for my NS next year. I'm so excited to just get started properly and document everything and just see where the development takes me. I honestly just love it. It's projects like this that make me just fall in love with what I do and where drama can take you, it's just incredible to me and I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to learn and research and create things like this that I've been telling you guys all about in this post. Here are just a few of the beautiful pages from note to self so far. 

So I guess I really need to round off this post but I think what I want to do is to give you guys beginners tips on how you can be mindful and what it will do for you etc. But I think I'm going to do it in stages, so we'll start off easy and then we'll develop into more intense things and I will do all of this with you as I'm still learning too. There are a bunch of different small steps you can take to be more mindful in your every day life and it can honestly just be little things like becoming aware of how a certain food actually tastes or the way it really feels to put makeup on etc. You've gotta start off small and work your way to the top. 

So one of the things that I did along side doing lots of research and documenting my own experiences throughout the process was actually a list of things that make me happy. 

So I read this technique in How To Be Happy by Anna Barnes. It's on page 17 and the title is 'reasons to be cheerful, 1, 2, 3' and it says to get a pen and paper and write down all of the things in your life that put a smile on your face, such as spending time with family and friends, hobbies, pets, or the goals you've reached. And it also says you'll quickly surprise yourself with how long the list really is and I was definitely surprised. What always seems to happened when I put pen to paper is I'll start to write and I'll become inspired to think of something and then something else with light bulbs striking above my head. Some of my posts I am most proud of on my blog just started out being a small description on paper in my blog planner notebook so it is true when people say the power of putting pen to paper is incredible. 

Then it goes onto say to then pin it somewhere that you'll see it every single day as a reminder of how good life really is. Another alternative to writing a list is to write down three good things that happen to you every week and that research has been published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology and has found that individuals who do this are significantly happier. 

I am challenging you guys to write your own list before next Monday which is the 14th of August which is when I'll be back for another Mindful Mondays with all of you. I have shared my list in the images above just to give you guys an idea if you're not sure where to start. But literally just write down whatever makes you happy or whatever makes you smile. I found that when I started they were kind of standard things like family, friends, laughing, nights out etc and they eventually developed into more personal things that I really love and that some people might not really know about me. It can be shorter than mine or it can be longer than mine. Honestly this is the start of your own personal journey so I am sharing all of this and guiding you in this for your own benefit. 

So yeah once you guys have written your own list I'd love it if could share it with me preferably in the comments on this post or on my other social medias via messaging or even to my email which is katiejohnson10@hotmail.com,

I would love to read them and know that you guys are interested and on board with something like this. 

Live art has really opened my eyes to the world and the universe and life and my life and how I view life and all the elements within it that make up what we are right now. Essentially what it means to really live and I'm hoping on this journey together as well as my own personal journey of NS as I go into third year we can all discover for ourselves what that is. 

Thank you guys so much for reading this post, I am so thankful and so grateful to everyone that takes the time out of their day to read what I have to say and my opinions and experiences etc. I'm just happy that I get to be apart of the blogging community and really be real with you guys. It really is so nice to have such an enjoyable extra thing to do and all of the love and support from you guys makes it all worth it. I'd also absolutely love it if you guys could follow me on all my social medias linked above in my header, I'm posting all the time on IG and Twitter and constantly pinning things on Pinterest so if you don't want to miss any of that make sure you give me a follow. I'd really appreciate it. 

Don't forget about your list of things that make you happy and to post your list in the comment section down below. You need to do it before the next Mindful Monday post on the 14th of August. 

Once again thanks so much for reading guys and I will see you tomorrow for another super chatty post, that's right a Coffee Chats is on it's way in a number of hours. 

Bye until tomorrow my lovelies. 

Love,

Katie