Hello my lovelies, I hope you're all well and are having a relaxing Easter holiday. So today we are doing a different kind of Coffee Chats. If you guys have been around for a while now, you'll probably remember, just under a year ago I shared a blog post in a similar format titled, 'Love & Singleness'. If you haven't checked that post out, I'd highly suggest having a read through that one before this one.
But if you guys have checked out that post and are ready for another instalment in this area, here we go.
*DISCLAIMER*
Before we dive in, I just want to state this post is not saying all people who are in a relationship or have gone through a breakup feel these certain feelings I am going to be mentioning. I am also not stating that people who are single feel the same way as me. All of these elements I'm going to discuss with you are personally how I feel and my opinions on the area of discussion.
This post is definitely going to be long, so grab a drink, preferably a coffee hence the main title of these posts and of course a snack.
As you can guess by the title we're going to be talking about relationships and breakups which I'd say the majority of people have been through at some point in their life. Or, if you've not had a relationship per say, we've all experienced that feeling of rejection in our lives at one point or another.
So we all know what the terms 'relationship' and 'breakup' mean.
relationship: the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or in the state of being connected.
breakup: the separation, the breaking, or the ending of a relationship.
But what do those definitions really define in certain stages because they are so open ended. Well, I've discovered two diagrams from the Knapp model.
I couldn't have defined those titles better myself. So now that we're on the same page, you're main question probably is, Katie wait a minute, I thought you mentioned in your previous 'Love & Singleness' post that you've never had a relationship? and well I can tell you, you would still be correct. I am fully aware that I have never been in a relationship, so these opinions, experiences, and advice are 100% coming from a single person that has observed what I am going to share with you from friends relationships and breakups.
Firstly, I have seen that relationships can be lots of fun however, they seem to take a lot of work. Which is inevitable, both parties have to put time and effort in or else how do you expect a relationship to work. Even though it wont be plain-sailing all the time, in my opinion a relationship should be fun, full of laughs, and happy memories. But even though I'm nearly 20, I personally don't feel ready to be in a relationship and to be known as someones girlfriend. The thought of a relationship would be nice but that's just it. There isn't anyone in my life right now who I am interested in and there hasn't been anyone in my general life that I've thought of in that way for a very long time.
I haven't shared this with you guys, but from a young age I found it hard to make friends with guys compared to making friends with girls. When I was younger I always felt quite self-conscious around guys. Especially during school and a little during college.
Is my hair right?
Does my mascara look right?
Am I pretty enough to be with him?
Now a few years on from that period, I've realised I don't care about any of those things. Those things shouldn't really matter at all as there is no right or wrong way to do those specific things that are personal to individual people. The only person it should bother at all is me. I already know what makes me feel confident, how I like my makeup to look, the types of clothes I like to wear, how I like my hair being styled etc.
In relation back to relationships; the concept is extremely alien to me. There are quite a few people around me, especially friends, who are in relationships which has been the same since the end of secondary school. Due to the fact I've never been in one but everyone else around me seems to be. And, in all honesty because of the fact I've never been in a relationship I cannot imagine sharing my life with anyone in that context simply because I never have. I don't know if it feels the same for the rest of you who are in the same situation as me. But it would feel weirder to me to be in a relationship than being single. Once again, simply because I've been single my whole life and everything I've chosen to do always benefits me for me in some way or another.
If you're someone who has been in many relationships and you date often, you might not understand what I am referring to. But if you're single or you've been single for a long time you'll understand where I am coming from. Mentioned in my previous Coffee Chats: Love & Singleness, if you've never met anyone worth while it's okay to feel like you never will because even I don't think I will. My guard is up constantly when it comes to potentially being interested in someone or once in a blue moon, if someone is interested in me. It's up to the point where sometimes I talk myself out of liking people because I know they wont like me back and because I know the only reason I think I'm feeling that way is because I'm feeling desperate to be with someone and that desperate feeling will eventually pass. Some of you might be thinking, why don't you express those feelings? And my answer is, I would if I knew they were genuine. The majority of the people I "think I fancy", 99.9% of the time, I only fancy the idea of being with them. I don't actually fancy that specific person. For any of you who catch my drift, you will know it is so incredibly hard to figure out if those feelings you're feeling are real. And if that wasn't difficult enough, I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I've been single for so long that's how I don't know if any feelings towards other people in that way are genuine. Obviously I feel love and affection from my family members and close friends but it's a different kind of love and affection in a relationship and it would just be nice to know how that feels. I personally feel sometimes people take that for granted. This is something I swear by in all aspects of my life and that is just to live for the moment right now. Whatever it is you're doing, whether it's a happy moment or a sad moment, you should fully live in each moment of your life because that moment will never happen again. Which is exactly the same with relationships. Couples shouldn't worry about their future together, they should worry about what they're doing right now together. Another point, I feel people get way too persistent on finding "the one". This idea of "the one" I feel is a bit false. More than likely you'll never find that person you deem to be "the one" because it's a bit like a haze - it's someone you imagine in your head. People are so fixed on finding that person straight away; the one they will 100% settle down with and get married to and have kids with. But, have you ever stopped to think you may never truly find "the one" - but instead you find "the one" you need at this very moment now. For example, I'm currently 19 and at university and figuring out what I want to do with my life. At this point in time, the ideal person to be with is probably someone in a similar situation so we're on one another's wave length regardless or not if we get married in ten years time. Whereas, when I'm 30, I will more than likely have my own place and have a job of some kind (I hope) and have a bit more experience in the dating pool by then (we hope and bloody pray). Therefore what I look for in a partner is going to be completely different.
What's more scary is knowing I'm 30 in ten years time...
Anyway, my point is this idea of being with "the one" completely changes over time. Obviously in relationships you grow and change as people but if the person you've been with since you were 20 is still the person you deem as "the one" at 40, it definitely shows how your wave lengths have stayed in tune with each other after all those years. If anyone ever truly finds that, you should treasure every second of it as that's a different kind of special. Which is why if someone is "the one" for you at this point in your life and the feeling is mutual, then you should just be with them and if you are supposed to be together you just will be - none of this "our future" nonsense. If you're meant to be together "forever" (as they say) then you will be.
I know that point was quite long but I hope some of you guys got what I meant. But, now we gotta back track before you even get close to the relationship status. And I guarantee we've all gone through this at some point in our lives, yep you guessed it: rejection.
Everyone without a doubt has experienced it, even if not in regards to a relationship. Could of been a potential job you applied for or an acting role you auditioned for etc. I am the queen of rejection, I have been rejected with every guy I've ever asked out or ever told someone I had feelings for. I'd say I've gained massive expertise with this feeling in particular. Not to be dramatic but, it is probably one of the worst feelings ever. If it's happened to you then you'll know it's not a very nice experience. I've spoken a lot about it in my previous post that I linked above. So I wont go into too much detail, but once or twice you're probably pretty bummed out but more than likely it wont be anything mentally damaging to you. But when it is every single time it really does take it's toll on your confidence. Which is probably a main reason linked to shoving all those feelings to the side because deep down we're all scared of being rejected.
However, often I get the impression that people think being single is a walk in the park. Don't get me wrong, everything you choose to do is technically for you. You don't have to worry about your other half's opinions and what they're doing with their day etc. You get more of an opportunity for you, which is great. But being single can still be hard. And it can be hard to enter a relationship when you've been single for so long with no experience of dating and how relationships work, no experience with sex etc.
Which leads me onto my next point which is breakups. Like we've established as I've never been in a relationship, I don't know what a breakup actually feels like. But once again, I've visually experienced it amongst friends. There's been a few of my friends recently that have gone through breakups of their own which was one of the reasons I was inspired to actually write this post. These breakups in particular, I've discovered that there are five stages to a breakup.
1. The 'Depressed' Stage
The stage when you've just broken up and you're confused, upset, hurt, don't really know what to do with yourself and how to deal with all these feelings. This stage definitely hurts a lot more if the breakup was unexpected or if it was a messy breakup. But even if it wasn't and it was a mutual agreement. More than likely you'll feel a bit lost in the very early stages of your relationship coming to an end.
2. The 'Not Caring' Stage
This is the stage when you claim you're 'over it' and 'you don't care' to try and make yourself feel better. When it's blatantly still obvious you're not over it and you definitely still care. You state to all of your friends you never really loved that person or cared about them and you're happy it's over. But the reality is, you're dying inside.
3. The 'Bettering' Stage
It's that moment when you're done with being sad and have had enough of pretending to be okay. You've cried out all of those tears and you just wanna move on. Which sounds like a good thing. But, those feelings from your breakup are still extremely fresh. More than likely we've all gone out and said to one of our friends, 'Yeah I don't care anymore.' whilst you're out and you see him or her and try to act like you're doing so well, when you secretly still miss them. So this feeling of getting over it and as the title suggests, 'bettering' yourself is actually false. You just don't know it until...
4. The 'Realisation' Stage
You finally come to the realisation that you're not in fact over that person as much as you thought and those feelings you had for them. This could be set off by seeing that person with someone else - seeing that they've moved on. This pops that 'you and only you' bubble you had during stage three. You've been so focused on yourself that the rest of the world is forgotten about in your eyes and by seeing them with someone else brings you back to the reality that is life. Physically seeing that person with someone else puts in to perspective that it's really over and it's time to move on with your life. More than likely, you're gonna need a few shoulders to cry on and some friendly support. But where does this leave you now?
5. The 'Moving On' Stage
During this stage it's when you begin to reconnect with your true self. You've realised those feelings never really went away and you're stuck about where you go from here. You simply do whatever is best for you. That could be focusing on a hobby or work, spending time with your friends, or even getting into something new. Either way, the more you get back in tune with yourself and really work on your happiness instead of pretending to be happy and make the other person jealous. You'll begin to notice how much happier this will make you feel.
Remember this doesn't happen over night. It also depends on the type of breakup you went through. But always remind yourself, as cliche as it is, time heals almost all wounds. No matter what you're going through time stops for no one and that is life. It just keeps rolling on.
I know it can be hard but remind yourself that you didn't need the person to be happy and live your life before you started your relationship with them.
These stages I've come up with are not done by fact or any research. I have created these due to the experience my friends have had with breakups and how I've interpreted each stage is by physically seeing them deal with their breakups in the same way I've broken each stage down.
Regardless at this point of whether you are in a relationship, are going through a breakup, or in the stage of rejection. We all have to go through this next stage in particular at one point or another. That stage is...
SELF LOVE.
People always say no one will ever love them and I'll admit it, I've done it. But everyone always forgets the most vital person who should love them and who will constantly be there for them no matter what they go through. Do you know who that person is? YOU. It is vital that you love your own mind and body before anyone else can love you. Many times throughout my life I have questioned why myself and so and so cannot be together or aren't together and the simple fact is, not everyone is going to be into you. It ain't about pretty or the colour hair you have or the shoes you wear. If there's no mental connection to go with the physical attraction this "relationship" is never gonna work. It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with this concept and if you feel like personally you've not come to terms with that yet. It might be because you need to start tuning back into you and giving yourself some love.
You should always make sure you stay in tune with what you want, your thoughts, your feelings etc. I feel a lot of relationships end these days due to miscommunication and because people don't talk to each other! I don't understand why our generation these days just do everything online or over messages. What is so bad about actually going out and spending time with another human being? That's the quality time we remember, not tagging each other in funny memes and videos on social media.
From seeing all different sides of other peoples relationships and breakups, the good and the bad, I definitely do not want to be in a relationship at this point in my life. At this point in my life, my late teens to my early twenties, I need to really just focus on me. At this point in my life all I wanna really do is learn, explore, and discover. Discover what other areas I'd like to work in, in the Drama and Theatre Studies field, making memories with families and friends, and bettering myself as a person - especially from this year in particular, I'm learning a lot more about myself that I didn't know and seeing where my true values and opinions are within my life. Those are the most important things in my life as of right now. And I love doing things for me, I'm not 100% perfect but I just love bettering who I am which makes me love who I am. I love being positive and spreading positivity throughout my life like my favourite quote says,
When I look back at my life I truly believe I wouldn't be at this point in my life right now if it wasn't for all of the hard times and all of the struggles. It all seems worth it to be where I am at right now. Life is waaaaaaay too short to be hating yourself. We should all know by now that I am a very balanced person. I need to have an equal amount of time for myself as well as family and friends. Which I feel like would definitely still apply when I am in a relationship.
I sometimes feel like my standards are too high in relation to guys but then I remind myself the only reason they are so high is because I value my worth as an individual and just from watching other peoples relationships I know what I want and don't want. I think I'm looking for a more mature type of relationship but as in, a relationship where I have a real mental and physical connection with someone. I don't want any of that half-ass shit and fake lovey dovey crap all over social media. I want a relationship where we can share our opinions, have dreams and ambitions, support one another in whatever we want to accomplish, to be able to laugh and not take our life too seriously, to really enjoy life together, but can still spend time apart, and to just be insanely in love with one another.
I think the key will always be to fully know you and love you for who you are before you get someone else to do that.
I guess what I am really advising you guys to do, whether you're single or in a relationship is to just truly love yourself before you fully invite someone else into your life to love you. At the end of the day, only you know what you want out of life and who you want to be and do not let anything change that. I fully believe that one day, someone will come into all of our lives when the universe knows you're ready for it. That time could be next week or it could be next year, who knows. Even though it can be hard, there are days I still find it hard and just wish it would happen, but then I think about what I have right now and I know what and who I have in my life right now is what is good for me right now. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have it. But whenever it does happen it will be because it is meant to and it will feel natural.
I hope this post has given you something to take away, or to think about, or to be reminded of. This post is another personal one that I've been planning since January to share with you. It's taken a while to figure out the perfect links between all of the areas talked about, I know some areas went on a bit of a tangent. But I hope within it, it has helped you in relation to whether you're single or in a relationship.
Thank you guys so much for reading, I love making posts like this. One of the main things I aspire to be throughout my life is an aspiring beam of light. Which to me means someone who can inspire others to be happy and positive. Also because I have been at one of the lowest points a person can ever go in relation to not loving themselves and just hating everything about themselves I don't want anyone else to ever feel the way I did. So I make these posts to hopefully give you guys something to improve your life mentally and physically.
Helping people is all I've ever really wanted to do and I hope these posts help some of you.
I will talk to you all again soon, until next time,
Love,
Katie
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