Hello my lovelies, I hope you're all well and have had a good Easter holiday. More than likely you are all back at school, college, university, or work now. So this post today is going to be a bit different to anything I've done before. If you've been following my blog for a while or if you know me in real life you'll know that it's my birthday on the 7th of May which is only a week away. Normally I wouldn't do a massive post about my birthday or anything but this is quite a special birthday as I am officially going to be 20 years old *gasp*. I really can't believe I have nearly been alive for 20 years. Going into the 20s age era is super exciting but it does mean it is time to say farewell to the teenage era. These past 7 years, 13 - 19 years old, have been full of happiness and sadness, good memories and bad memories, life lessons and realisations, and most importantly discovering who I am and where I want to go in my life. So today we are going to take a trip down memory lane of my teen years and look at all the good memories and all the bad memories and all the lessons that I've learned that have lead me to the path I am on today.
2010: 13 Years Old
So this was me at 13 years old, jesus my hair was so short back here - that was a decision I did regret for the entire year as it took forever to grow back. It was a massive shock as I went from super long hair to above shoulder length and I just didn't like it. It didn't feel like it suited me. I used to have a middle parting literally all throughout my life until I started college when I got a side fringe, which you shall see a few years down the line. I always used to wear little bow clips and flower clips in my hair when I was younger, I don't know why but I was just obsessed with them.
Anyway, the main thing I remember about this year was party, party, party! I don't mean going out and getting drunk like today. But back in my early teenage days everyone and I mean EVERYONE had a 13th birthday party to celebrate going into your teens. There was a disco, a buffet spread, and the whole year was always invited. If you weren't invited to someone's 13th you weren't cool enough. I remember than main two songs that always played at the 13th discos: Sexy Bitch/ Chick by David Guetta feat. Acon and I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas. These two songs always got all of us up on the dance floor jumping and pumping one hand in the air.
I remember my 13th birthday, I had a massive hall booked out with a disco. But it wasn't on my actual birthday it was a week or two after I turned 13. Mum and Dad stayed up really late the night before making so many cupcakes and they near enough all went on the day of the party. They were delicious and had bright pink icing!
As birthday girl, it was a tradition to wear something so people knew just by looking at you, "yep that's the birthday girl". Around this time of my life my favourite colour was hot pink and I found a gorgeous hot pink party dress in H&M which was £25 or something. I wore that with some black and cream coloured massive heels and I felt like a princess. It was definitely the best memory and best way to start the teen era.
I don't remember much else from that year other than the fact that year 8 was the least stress I had all through school. It was just the year of fun and an easy going school experience. Then the teens really started...
2011: 14 Years Old
14 year old me wasn't that much different to 13 year old me. Still got that horrendous short hair cut. However I do remember around the ages of 14-16 I got quite addicted to painting my nails and eventually started to experiment with nail art in my later years. But I remember, we weren't allowed to wear nail varnish to school, so every Friday evening I would dedicate an hour or two to painting my nails for the weekend so I could have pretty colours and patterns over them. It was a bit a hobby for me I guess you could say. I used to get nice compliments on the nail art I created (still do if I ever do it) and that made me happy.
But when I was 14 I was in year 9 and I don't really remember too much really. Firstly, I had to move tutors as they made a new tutor mixed with the French and German half of the year (those were the languages we studied in secondary school) and this merged tutor eventually meant we'd have merged classes as until now the French and German halves of the year had nothing to do with one another. Being a teenager you can imagine, I was fuming. I didn't wanna leave all my friends in my current tutor and be shoved into a different one and looking back now - how pathetic was that?
Secondly, I got rejected a lot by guys in year 9 so confidence was a little bit all over the place. I tried to figure out "what was wrong with me" and "why I wasn't good enough" - when really I was absolutely fine but that's the teenage years for you. Then something else happened which changed peoples views of me. One of my close friends had a house party for her birthday and during your early teen years you are quite easily influenced. So there was alcohol at this party and people were smoking. I had some alcohol but I didn't smoke simply because I didn't want to (present tense Katie is proud of past tense Katie for that one - as I still have never smoked to this day). So the party died down and a few of the guests went home and myself and a few other of this girls close friends, we stayed round her house for a sleepover. And I'm not gonna go into all the details but the girl who hosted the party, we kissed and I don't mean a peck, I mean we kissed. We both didn't really think anything of it, especially because at 14 we didn't know what the hell that meant. But we then came into school on that Monday morning after the weekend of this party and some how, everyone in our year knew that we'd kissed. There was only like 4/5 of us who slept over so it was obvious one of those girls went behind our backs and told someone and then they told someone. Basically, that gossip spread like wild fire. Then all morning I had people like harassing me and coming at me asking if I actually did it and I kept denying it and saying I didn't do it because people made me feel so shit about it. I think one reason I did deny it was because I didn't want to be labelled as something I wasn't. Obviously I didn't know what I was at this point, I think people just assumed I must've been a lesbian just because I'd never properly kissed a guy or dated a guy. Which was not the case at all, I was just a girl who wanted to kiss another girl - what was so bad about that? At the time in my school though everyone was just labelled straight and we all virtually didn't want to do anything that wasn't "normal" because people were so quick to judge and be nasty to you. Eventually the year dropped it but people in my year still made comments every so often. But for the most part, I forgot about it and moved on with my life.
But as the year carried on it became the year where my "best friends" started to change. The girl I was best friends with before, we'd recently fallen out and she virtually turned all of our other friends in our group against me so I kind of had nobody really to hang out with. So one day in my science lesson, we had to get into partners and I noticed a girl in my year, we'll call her X for the purpose of this story, she was sat on her own so I went over to her and said "do you wanna be partners?". She accepted and our friendship started from there. One of the reasons we got on so well was because we'd recently both fallen out with our previous friends and because of that, we both had something to connect us to each other. It was like fate was involved with us both falling out with our old friends at the time in order for us to become friends at the same time. We both eventually made up with our previous friends but we grew closer than ever and hung out every break and lunch time. As the year carried on we started to gain a big friendship group of all different people and it was nice. But whilst the year went on, X and I did drift apart a little bit as we both grew closer to different people in our big friendship group. X introduced a new friend to our group, we'll call her Y. X and Y virtually became best buddies, had loads in common, and virtually spent all their time together and they pretty much pushed me out a lot. Whenever I hung around with them I felt like a third wheel but I kept with them as they were my friends. The rest of the year virtually stayed that way until next year...
2012: 15 Years Old
Before I carry on the story, we have to mention one of the most stupidest decisions I made at the start of year 10. I somehow shaved half my eyebrows off - what kind of idiot was I?! You can see in the first image my eyebrows are still pretty full and bushy and in the other two they're a lot thinner and have lost a good chunk at the front.
My eyebrows were quite bushy and I noticed a lot of girls were having thinner eyebrows so obviously I wanted to have thinner eyebrows too. So some how I found a pair of tweezers and started to pluck my eyebrows (good god). As they got smaller and smaller I got bit addicted to plucking them and I should've stopped there but did I, of course not. I thought it would've been a good idea to use a razor to get rid of the smaller hairs around the sides and near the front of the brow. So I went straight in and shaved all of the front chunk off - oh my god. So I had to go to school with two half eyebrows on my face - not to mention at this point filling your eyebrows in was not a thing. Wow, needless to say I got laughed at and had loads of comments like 'Have you shaved your eyebrows?' whilst I look away and say, 'No what you talking about?' - wow, how embarrassing! I'll never do that again.
I didn't wear much makeup until end of year 9/ start of year 10. To school I just wore concealer all over my face (you can imagine this was not a good look) and set that with powder and then just some mascara. You can also see I took quite a liking to kohl eyeliner and I just lined the top of my lashline and under the bottom of my lashline all in black - I did not line the water line as my eyes didn't like it. They still don't like it now, my water line is quite sensitive. I rocked the heavy eyeliner look on the weekends as I wasn't allowed it for school. I thought I looked so edgy and cool at the time.
Anyway, back to the story...
2011 & 2012 are hard for me to fully remember separately because of everything that took place. During this year and last year I got picked on quite a lot and like most teenage girls, I didn't understand why and I didn't understand what was wrong with me. The more people said things like, "you're fat" and "you're ugly" - I started to believe those things as in my mind I had this thought process of, well if everyone is saying it then it must be true and I cannot begin to tell you how awful that is. Do not ever have the thought process that I did in relation to peoples comments. But because of all that I began to feel so shit about who I was.
If all that wasn't bad enough, X and Y, my so called "best friends" started to bully me. For the first few months it was banter and then there came a period when it was clearly not banter, it got personal. I didn't know what to do because I saw X, my original best friend, morph into someone else. Someone mean and nasty and I'd never seen a side of her like that. X had grown really close with Y and they became a bit of a tag team against me. They used to hide my bag and take my phone and call me names and they got off on that - they thought it was funny to violate my things and my privacy. Other friends tried to stop them but they never listened to them, they just carried on going. I was at a really confusing point in my life when I didn't know what to do. People began to notice what they would do to me and how I was being treated so a few people in my year stood up to them on occasions. Which was nice, however in my mind at this point they were still my "friends" because they felt that hadn't done anything wrong. I knew they'd done wrong but I didn't know how to get them to realise it. Which meant some decisions I made backfired on me because I put trust in X and Y and not the people who were actually acting like friends should. I was really low but the worst part was after all this I still hung around with them all year (present tense Katie still cannot believe past tense Katie did this to herself).
When I was this age I really hated confrontation and I cried a lot when I was cornered and put in the wrong just because I didn't know how to deal with the feelings of being angry or when I felt hurt by people.
The worst part still to this day, is despite all the shit I went through by being their "friends". I never told anyone - I never told my parents or my teachers. I let it sit on all of my shoulders and just dealt with it. I had other friends who were there for me throughout all of this, especially my best friend still to this day, Chloe Collett.
I became very depressed and I came home every night and cried. But when people asked me if I was alright, I just said yeah. I didn't feel like people cared about my feelings and I didn't want to feel like a burden as I was always happy and smiley Katie. It got worse and worse as the year went on and I hit of point of when I asked myself, "would anyone even care if I wasn't here?" - the fact that two people got to me so badly and made me question if I should even be alive is absolutely vile. But, it was at this point I realised I deserved so much better. Something in me made me decide I had had enough. Only I could pick myself up and save myself and that's what I did.
It got to summer time, a few weeks before we broke up for the holidays and I finally talked to X and Y about how I felt and I was sick of being treated like shit. They always said it was just banter and a joke but I made it clear they'd taken it too far and it was not a joke anymore. I was an emotional wreck but I finally had the courage to tell them I'd had enough and I wanted them out of my life. After that day I never looked back. But it was going to be a long road to recovery.
During the summer I didn't see X and Y and it did improve my happiness. However my self confidence and my self esteem was probably damaged beyond repair. It was going to take me a long time to get over the emotional damage of the past year.
2013: 16 Years Old
So I came back for my final year at school and as you can see my love for that eyeliner was still apparent in year 11. I couldn't wait for this year to be over and leave. I had no interest in speaking to X and Y - they'd pushed me to the point of where I didn't want that kind of toxic energy in my life and I didn't want to be friends with them again. What they put me through was way past the point of being able to forgive a friend after you had a petty fight. I also knew if I let them back in my life, I wouldn't want history repeating itself again. If I wanted to get better I needed them to stay out of my life.
I didn't have many friends but I had ones that I knew would get me through. Despite everything I didn't have a bad year. Y realised what she did wrong and apologised which I accepted so I could move on with my life. The majority of my focus was put into my GCSE exams and course work. I didn't do too badly - I achieved 9 GCSEs at grade B and C.
For a while I was planning on staying at my sixth form as it was now a new law that we had to stay in education until at least 17. I realised this year more than ever that I wanted to be a performer. I wanted to act, I wanted to sing, I wanted to dance - it was what made me feel alive. Although I could've picked Drama at sixth form it wasn't enough. I needed to get out of that toxic school to develop into the girl I wanted to be and get over the emotional damage. It was my dad that suggested checking out the college in my local town, so I went for an audition day. I got there and I already knew this was where I wanted to be. I'll always thank my dad for that as without that push I don't know who I'd be today. I decided it was 100% what I wanted to do and my mum and dad said they would support me no matter what. I took a chance and never looked back.
But before I could leave school and start my new adventure there was one school event left, Prom.
So here is 16 year old me for my prom photo. My dress was burgundy with a sweetheart neckline with silver and red gems on, as you can see. I liked it because the colour complimented my hair. As you can see my hair was wavy (was meant to be curly but the curls fell into waves) and I had a half up half down hair do. My eyebrows didn't grow much and were still absolutely tiny. Filling them in had grown a bit more popular with the girls in my year a long with winged eyeliner, which virtually everyone had at prom. All year I'd been watching makeup tutorials on how to do a classic smokey eye as I wanted to do one for prom - which was successful (hint - this started my journey with the makeup I do today).
I thought prom was going to be a magical night to remember of a year group coming together for one last memory before we all go our separate ways. But it wasn't. We were still very much in our small friendship groups. I look back on it now and well, it was shit. Prom is so artificial and made out to be this life changing event but it really wasn't. Even though Prom wasn't all I expected it to be, it was still a nice final night with the friends I'd carry throughout my school years.
School had finished and I had achieved the grades I needed in order to go and study Performing Arts at college in September and I was over the moon! Life was finally starting to look a lot better. Not to mention this was the year I'd joined a musical theatre company, YOBOS to perform in Seussical The Musical - I loved every second and this was such a big turning point for me.
September rolled around and I started college and it was the best choice I ever made, I also started my blog in December which was another big turning point in my life, I was finally happy and enjoying everything that I was doing with my life.
However, all this years amazing achievements and turning points had a sad ending to the year. I lost my favourite little guy, Jeffrey. Throughout everything I went through, he was there and made me smile even when I felt so low. It's crazy how pets can make you so happy. He'd lived with me through my ultimate best and ultimate worse but he gave me all happiness in the world. I couldn't have asked for a better best pal. But whilst I was getting better and recovering from my depression he was sadly getting really ill and thin until he couldn't even stand anymore. We couldn't let him live like that so we decided to put him to sleep so he wasn't in pain anymore. I still miss him dearly to this day. I hope you're having a good time in kitty heaven Jeffrey.
2014: 17 Years Old
The first year of college had it's ups and downs but overall was the best decision I ever made. I was happier, made real friends, loved going to lessons every day, enjoyed blogging about beauty - learnt a lot along the way as I feel like throughout my teens I've grown up with the changing times of makeup (as you can see in this photo, I finally learned how to fill in my eyebrows!).
I began to feel more confident and happy about who I was. Some days were still a struggle, my emotions were sometimes a bit bi-polar at this point in my life. But in general, I was on the happier side of life again.
This was the year I became best friends with Heather
I was so tired of always trying to fit in with the "popular" people at school and even at college as in first year there was a bit of a divide. I finally decided to just let the universe fall into my life and place me where I should go, which lead me to Heather. I am so thankful to have her apart of my life. It felt like we wouldn't have much in common, which we didn't really, but some how we found a perfect middle ground and in that middle ground is where friendship happens in the most unlikely places. We've only been best friends now for 3 years but it feels like forever - the happy memories we've shared mean so much to me. We compliment each other for the better and that is a beautiful friendship to find.
This was also an incredible memorable year because I went to see my ultimate favourite singer in the world, Katy Perry!
Throughout my teen years in school and college I grew up with Katy Perry's music, especially her Teenage Dream era. A lot of the songs were very relatable to what I was going through at the time and to actually see her live was amazing. It will forever be one of the best birthday presents I ever had and Charlie, still to this day, thank you for taking me.
Also, I went back to YOBOS again to perform in another musical, 13 The Musical where I had my first ever main role as Charlotte. I felt so happy and so proud of myself. This was also when I discovered, on Broadway Charlotte was played by Ariana Grande and from then on, Ariana became a vocal inspiration to me.
2015: 18 Years Old
The second year of college had its ups and downs once again, but it was the year we really became like a family. We'd been through the highs and the lows of growing up from 16 - 18 which were critical ages that take you from what feels like a child to a young adult. The past two years had been mad and hectic but there was really no other people I'd rather have spent it with. Each one of these guys above benefited my life in one way or another and I'll always look back on college with happy memories and the time shared together. I'd go back and do it all again if I had the chance.
My eyebrows had a bit of a change, I just loved filling them in in this rounded shape at the front and having a thinner shape all the way along still. This was also the year I lightened my hair to have ombre hair and I learnt how to contour properly.
I also went back to YOBOS for the final time to perform in Grease The Musical and was apart of the Raining on Prom Night Quintet - which was lovely.
I also celebrated my 18th birthday! My birthday was on a Friday this year, so the day before we had a nice college celebration with cake and then on Saturday myself and my close friends at the time went for a spa day and had dinner at Frankie and Bennies - it was definitely a day to remember.
After all of that it was officially time to leave home and go off to university. I would miss my mum and dad and of course my best friends, Chloe, Heather, and Charlie dearly. But it was time we all got the chance to do what we wanted with our lives.
I chose Chester as something in my gut told me to pick it and I was so happy I did. I got there and made some amazing friends just in the first term. Brook Lane was always a wild first year accommodation - there was always some kind of party or drama going on. I'll never regret the choice I made.
2016: 19 Years Old
First year continued and it's one of the most memorable years of my life. There was small hiccups. But, I have friends that are more like family - they mean the entire world. I was accepted by a crazy group of human beings who make me laugh and smile everyday and who I hold dear to my heart. True friends do exist.
This was also the year I fully recovered from my depression - 3 years later and here I am today to tell the story life does get better for everyone. Never let the opinions of small minded people ruin your fire.
I joined Chester's Drama Society for their Christmas Show (end of 2015) and was given the role Queen 1 - she was so much fun to play, I loved every minute of that show.
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| Drama Society Christmas Show - Savior Lad 2015 |
I then went back again for their Easter musical, Rock of Ages. Where I was given a main role of Regina, or Regyna rather. I loved every second of playing that role and she is by far the absolute best role I've ever had the opportunity to play.
As well as that amazing opportunity, I was given another amazing opportunity. I was voted in to be the President of Drama Society for the year a head. I was so excited to get started and carry on the legacy.
The year ended with the squad and I going out all the time - we celebrated birthdays together and passing our assessments together etc. First year is always looked upon with happy smiles from me. Plus, we all passed first year and made it into second year!
Second year began with a bang! I was so excited to be back with my second family. We hadn't even been back in Chester for 24 hours and we already went out!
I've been doing really well on my assessments and essays which is amazing! I'm so happy with everything I'm experiencing and achieving. I've explored a lot of different types of drama already which I can't wait to continue doing next year.
My team and I created and directed an amazing Christmas show, A Night At The Movicals. Which all the audience enjoyed as well as these guys above. It was a joy to work with every single one of them - I was insanely proud.
2017: 20 Years Old (nearly)
No, I'm not quite 20 yet but so many incredible things have already happened before I've even turned 20.
Drama Society was so manic and such a stress but my team and I got through it.
Throughout the year we've had ups and downs but it was all worth it in the end to see how much all of these guys have developed as performers. Their enjoyment is all of the fulfilment I needed from doing this job as President this year. This has been a learning curve and an experience I will treasure forever.
In relation to uni work, I've fallen in love with the subject, Live Art. I've learnt so much, not just about drama, but about my life, and about me. I can't wait to carry on this journey in third year.
Another great opportunity approaching is performance practice! I'm officially Costume Designer and Manager for next term. I'm incredibly happy and can't wait to experience something new.
I've learned a lot about myself this year. Most importantly that I can get through the hard times. I'm a strong woman, I want to inspire people by giving advice and sharing my experiences (like I constantly do on my blog), I have finally accepted my past so I can move forward, I look forward to my future, but I live for this moment now, self love is the most important thing for yourself, and I feel more grown up than I ever have before.
I love me, I love my life, I love the people I'm sharing this journey with and I hope that continues.
So it's clear for you guys to see I've been through a lot to get to where I am now and right now I am the happiest I have ever been. But with everything I've been through come's great life lesson, so here are nineteen things I've learned before turning twenty.
1. Life throws a lot of shit your way, but it isn't to be horrible or to ruin your life, it's to push and pull you in different directions and develop as a person - life always gets better.
2. Family and friends mean absolutely everything. Without them I wouldn't be who I am today.
3. Your happiness should be your priority - put yourself at the top of your to do list everyday.
4. I'm never going to be perfect and I am perfectly happy to accept that.
5. Relationships are overrated - being in a relationship isn't everything. Who cares if you don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. What's important is that you have family and friends who love and cherish you in every way and that need you in their life.
6. Judgemental people can fuck off - never ever change who you are based on the perception others have on you. Never let them dull your sparkle.
7. Self love is the key to being happy - I've been at the lowest point in life when it comes to not loving yourself and it's not worth putting yourself down for what you're not. We are all diamonds that sparkle in the light. Never forget your a diamond.
8. Happiness is created by more happiness - I absolutely love making other people happy because that makes me happy. Smiling and laughing really is the best medicine.
9. Balanced life = happy life - I am a very balanced person and I need a balance of time for myself and time for family and friends in order for me to stay sane and be happy.
10. Passion is the driving force of everything - my saying is do it with passion or not at all. Everything I want to do, I have to be passionate about it otherwise I wont do it.
11. People's opinions should never matter - what people think of you as or view you as should never matter. The only thing that should matter is what you think of you.
12. Nothing is worth the stress - whatever happens will happen for a reason and even though feeling anxious and stressing out about certain situations is a natural human response to show that we care. We waste so much of our time stressing about things that didn't need stressing about because everything works out in the end.
13. Confidence comes with time - for most people, confidence doesn't come with an on and off switch. More than likely there's been a period in all of our lives when we're not confident in our own skin. Confidence comes from you being happy and loving who you are which I am proud to say that's what I am now. I'm not happy with every part of myself but all of the positives will always out weight the negatives.
14. You don't have to have your life planned out - I'm nearly 20 and I still don't have my life planned out. I may be at university but I have no idea where my life is going to take me, I'm excited to find out but I'm not worried about what happens. I know a lot of people are already 20 and still don't know what they want to do with their life. That is okay. You'll figure it out eventually.
15. Do what makes you happy - this is especially in regards to studying or jobs or careers etc. A lot of people have said to me performing arts/ drama isn't a "career" which it obviously is. It's not the easiest career to want to pursue but if it was easy then everyone would be able to do it. Don't choose things you feel like you have to do for your future. You don't know what's gonna happen in your future. Do what you want to do for this moment now.
16. Live for the present moment - make peace with your past and look forward to your future but don't forget to live in the present. Don't wish your life away, you should be living for this present moment now. Whatever you're doing and who ever you're with; cherish every second of it.
17. Change is always for the better - don't be afraid of changes in your life or changes in you as a person. Change is what move us forward in life. For example, I love performing on stage and I've always wanted to be a performer and a part of me will always want that. But also a part of me wants to be a director and have my own theatre company and then another part of me wants to become a Live Art lecturer or teacher. All of these aspirations are great because each one makes me happy. I don't know where I'll end up but as long as whatever I end up doing is something that makes me happy and is something I want to do. That's all that matters.
18. Find your fire - I love to create, devise, explore, learn, and discover new things. Technically all through life this never stops and this mindset I have day in and day out I never want it to stop.
19. Life is one big learning curve - the experiences you have, the opportunities you take, the people you meet, the changes you make, the opinions you have, the lessons you learn, and everything else in between is what has brought you and I to this very moment now. And I wouldn't change one little thing.
As the teens are coming to an end it's crazy how much I've changed as a person over the last 7 years. The teen years have kind of felt like they would never end because of how all those memories are than main ones that fill up in your brain rather than when you're a child. Also because of how much you change as a person to be who you are today.
I've gone through a lot but the fact I'm still here shows to me that I am strong and I can deal with whatever is thrown my way. I've achieved a lot in my life in these last 7 years. I learnt some life lessons, made some mistakes, made some friends that are more like family, said somethings I shouldn't have, said somethings I should've but all of that has made me the woman I am today. Without all of the hard times and the struggles I would never be who I am today.
The teens may be coming to an end but the 20s are going to be a whole new adventure. I have no idea what these next 10 years are going to hold but whatever it is, I am ready to face it head on and I know whatever happens will be because it is meant to. I hope you guys continue this crazy journey called life with me.
As always, thank you for your endless support and the next time I talk to you, I'll be 20!
